i'm working on a long post right now, but the simple fact is that for many of us, the belief "this isn't good enough" or "i'm not good enough" or "i'm not awake" or "enlightenment is out there somewhere" or any kind of variation of the statement that most resonates with you..... is the core NO to life.
and it's the reason it hurts so bad. NO = no. simple. you say no to this, and this being what is here, means choosing an argument over reality. simple as a pimple.
the restoration of cosmic good humor happening here, and the simplicity presents itself in the most amazing ways. more on this later.
but really, folks. why is the deficiency story the one we cling to with every fiber of our being? why are we afraid to be be THIS?
i want to gently cradle the face of every single being i meet and say to them... I SEE YOU..... and also to whisper in their ear. yes. you. perfection as you are, divine as you are, confused as you are. you, my sweet Beloved.... you are it.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
reboot
"We need to stop treating the relative, the dualistic, the mundane, the unrepentingly dense, as lesser than the Absolute, the Nondualistic. We need to get so, so close to the specific, the particular, the idiosyncratic, that any distance between us and it exists only for focusing purposes. God is not just in the details, God IS the details." Robert Augustus Masters (Freedom Doesn't Mind Its Chains)
my beloved adyashanti talks often about the dual movement of spirituality..... freedom FROM and then freedom TO. in other words, first we gain freedom from our stories, our humanity, by the recognition of that emptiness, that witnessing..... and then the movement is back into our humanity, being free enough to even be free from the need for freedom discovered in emptiness and witnessing. (what a mouthful!)
this blog has has the bulk of its entries written early this year, when the freshness of the revelation christmas 2010 brought was still sweet on my lips. there was an experience here of awakening that night, and then there were the months of sorting through what that meant. but more was going on under the surface that i couldn't have really predicted. see, once unity is experienced and no-self is recognized, there really isn't much room left to be "spiritual" anymore, at least not in the way it had gone down before. one thing is one thing, and what could be any more spiritual than anything else? when all is divine mystery, what remains? what could be outside of everything?
so, the first few months after christmas were a whirlwind of ideas and beliefs being ripped from my mind without ceremony. all the stages of things that the sacred writings pointed to, things like emptiness and luminosity and all that began to reveal themselves. but mainly, what was going on, is that my last holdout in ego-land.... as the spiritual person, identified as the Great Witness that had been discovered in March of 2009, was being taken away. i mean, really, deeply, ripped from my bleeding and clutching grasp.
now, the thing about the the witness position, is that while it is no more valid than anywhere else to stand, i have no opinion that it's a bad or a wrong thing to have hid there for so long. my entire early life had been plagued by such extreme states of suffering, it can only be called human nature to dance in the freedom of emptiness for as long as life allows. so that's what i did. during the two years from the awakening in march 2009 thru the christmas realization, i burned through all the personal storylines of my life, all the attachments, while my sense of myself hung out free as a bird as the space that holds the whole thing.
but then, in it's own way, the burning begins to burn itself up, like the quote from Ramana about the stick that stirs the fire. eventually, true freedom has to come back for everything, including the need for freedom itself.
so this year, during these months while i have not been able to write, i have been dying a painful death, and simultaneously coming back to life. the movement here has been back into the world, back into this body, this being, this humanity with all of the quirks that entails.
on that subject, there is probably a lot to say. a dear soul got in touch with me today and commented on the blog, which was the last in a string of perfect revelations to remind me that if it's time to come back to life, then the voice gets to have its time as well. it's been coming at me for weeks, the urge to write here again.....
so. reboot. because this isn't about being free FROM life... it's about being free enough TO live.
and with that, the heart swells with love and gratitude, and i hit "publish post"
my beloved adyashanti talks often about the dual movement of spirituality..... freedom FROM and then freedom TO. in other words, first we gain freedom from our stories, our humanity, by the recognition of that emptiness, that witnessing..... and then the movement is back into our humanity, being free enough to even be free from the need for freedom discovered in emptiness and witnessing. (what a mouthful!)
this blog has has the bulk of its entries written early this year, when the freshness of the revelation christmas 2010 brought was still sweet on my lips. there was an experience here of awakening that night, and then there were the months of sorting through what that meant. but more was going on under the surface that i couldn't have really predicted. see, once unity is experienced and no-self is recognized, there really isn't much room left to be "spiritual" anymore, at least not in the way it had gone down before. one thing is one thing, and what could be any more spiritual than anything else? when all is divine mystery, what remains? what could be outside of everything?
so, the first few months after christmas were a whirlwind of ideas and beliefs being ripped from my mind without ceremony. all the stages of things that the sacred writings pointed to, things like emptiness and luminosity and all that began to reveal themselves. but mainly, what was going on, is that my last holdout in ego-land.... as the spiritual person, identified as the Great Witness that had been discovered in March of 2009, was being taken away. i mean, really, deeply, ripped from my bleeding and clutching grasp.
now, the thing about the the witness position, is that while it is no more valid than anywhere else to stand, i have no opinion that it's a bad or a wrong thing to have hid there for so long. my entire early life had been plagued by such extreme states of suffering, it can only be called human nature to dance in the freedom of emptiness for as long as life allows. so that's what i did. during the two years from the awakening in march 2009 thru the christmas realization, i burned through all the personal storylines of my life, all the attachments, while my sense of myself hung out free as a bird as the space that holds the whole thing.
but then, in it's own way, the burning begins to burn itself up, like the quote from Ramana about the stick that stirs the fire. eventually, true freedom has to come back for everything, including the need for freedom itself.
so this year, during these months while i have not been able to write, i have been dying a painful death, and simultaneously coming back to life. the movement here has been back into the world, back into this body, this being, this humanity with all of the quirks that entails.
on that subject, there is probably a lot to say. a dear soul got in touch with me today and commented on the blog, which was the last in a string of perfect revelations to remind me that if it's time to come back to life, then the voice gets to have its time as well. it's been coming at me for weeks, the urge to write here again.....
so. reboot. because this isn't about being free FROM life... it's about being free enough TO live.
and with that, the heart swells with love and gratitude, and i hit "publish post"
Monday, June 13, 2011
enjoying the view
i just haven't had much to say lately. it's hard to explain why except to say that i just don't have any frictions here that guide my inquiries. in fact, for the most part, inquiries have ceased. i'm sort of over the whole spiritual thing, going along in a world where the boundaries seem more and more invisible, and where the edges of things are blurred into a beautiful rainbow of vibrant life.
i'm sort of, well, done with wanting anything else. it seems like there is just no energy left, and hasn't been for some time now, for argument in any way, with anything. there isn't a plan, any decisions, any belief left in control or a person here to take such an action.
everything seems just right, just like this, and i can't find myself wanting anything other than just this, just right now, exactly as it is.
admittedly, any sort of ongoing living like this is new to me, so probably the talking will right itself again at some point when there is compulsion in that area. for now, i'm just living life, smiling a lot, playing, enjoying the angela thing a great deal. without drama, without conflict, this whole human thing is such an immense joy to experience, it's hard to describe in words.
my curiosity about the whole borderline thing, and my personal experience with growing up with such a fractured and mainly non-linear fragmented 'self' remains strong. i just feel drawn in that area, to tend to something that caused such a great deal of suffering here early in life. but beyond that, i guess, for now at least.... i'm just sort of enjoying the view.
for those who take the time to read here, thank you so much. i just know there will be more words later. for now, this silly smile on my face is enough.
i'm sort of, well, done with wanting anything else. it seems like there is just no energy left, and hasn't been for some time now, for argument in any way, with anything. there isn't a plan, any decisions, any belief left in control or a person here to take such an action.
everything seems just right, just like this, and i can't find myself wanting anything other than just this, just right now, exactly as it is.
admittedly, any sort of ongoing living like this is new to me, so probably the talking will right itself again at some point when there is compulsion in that area. for now, i'm just living life, smiling a lot, playing, enjoying the angela thing a great deal. without drama, without conflict, this whole human thing is such an immense joy to experience, it's hard to describe in words.
my curiosity about the whole borderline thing, and my personal experience with growing up with such a fractured and mainly non-linear fragmented 'self' remains strong. i just feel drawn in that area, to tend to something that caused such a great deal of suffering here early in life. but beyond that, i guess, for now at least.... i'm just sort of enjoying the view.
for those who take the time to read here, thank you so much. i just know there will be more words later. for now, this silly smile on my face is enough.
Monday, May 23, 2011
it's not perfect as it is
even though it's clearly perfect, exactly as it is.
curious?
well, for today's simple reminder we take a minute to consider that new, neo-advitic beliefs aren't any more true than any other beliefs. and for us to take on a new belief, based on the experience of the absolute, even if that belief is called "there is no do-er" or "everything is perfect as it is".... well, kids, that's just another belief.
yes, clearly everything is as it is, and that's perfect. in experience. but to create a mental structure, a belief system, from the absolute isn't going to serve you any better than any other fundamentalism.
sure didn't for me. turned me into a rambling advitic facist, actually. today, be kind to your fellow humans, and relax a bit, that gripping, grasping, groping mind.
;)
curious?
well, for today's simple reminder we take a minute to consider that new, neo-advitic beliefs aren't any more true than any other beliefs. and for us to take on a new belief, based on the experience of the absolute, even if that belief is called "there is no do-er" or "everything is perfect as it is".... well, kids, that's just another belief.
yes, clearly everything is as it is, and that's perfect. in experience. but to create a mental structure, a belief system, from the absolute isn't going to serve you any better than any other fundamentalism.
sure didn't for me. turned me into a rambling advitic facist, actually. today, be kind to your fellow humans, and relax a bit, that gripping, grasping, groping mind.
;)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
i keep meaning to write
i really do keep meaning to write here. i keep meaning to have something to say. but i just don't, really, have much to say. at least not about this, at least not right now.
the thing is that it's become clear there isn't anything to say or do around any of this, that any kind of "spiritual" life we hold dear is just more resistance. there's nothing else going on, nowhere else to be. this is it, and the very fact that we're here and awake is..... it.
the first few times i contemplated it, the catch 22 nature of the whole thing made me a bit seasick. wait, i thought.... give up? surrender the fight? drop the search? but then surely i'll never get what i want from the wrhole thing. if i give up, then i'll never arrive. but the lived reality, more and more, has shown - i mean shown repeatedly, through ongoing revelations and awakenings - that this is it, kiddo. your resistance is why you suffer, your argument with this. the awakeness here is awake to itself, it recognizes itself and is in love with the silence and stillness it has found. all that's left is an argument in my mind, and since i don't trust my mind's antics anymore, it's just..... drooping down, running out of hot air.
it's no joke to say we're all already awake. it's not metaphor. it's literal. then comes the argument that says "oh, this isn't it!!" and we believe that thought. spiritual people especially, even those engaged in serious self enquiry who are open to questioning beliefs still find a space to believe that one, to believe that "this isn't it".... and it really touches in with the remaining spiritual identity, the hidden arrogance and resistance there, to even suggest it as a line of questioning.
i find myself quite content right now, and yet out of sorts. the loss of my fight, the loss of the seeker, is a bit confounding. the mind wants to scream that "oh my god if you don't kick up the search again you're never going to find what you're looking for!!!" and yet, i just can't muster the energy. something here knows better. something here is quite thrilled to have tried to go all this way and ended up exactly right here, right where i never could ever have left. i am sort of quiet, a bit introverted about it all. i have no more fire for the whole deep burn. it's just flickered out. there's not a whole whizz shebang about the search, there is no more excitement. i deeply grokk down to the marrow of my bones that i'm already what i am looking for. and while the mind has not gone quiet, and still wants to make up stories and look about, it just doesn't drain too much energy from the system for it's seach. it doesn't roll on for very long.
i don't know what this all means. i don't know much of anything anymore, actually. it's why i can't find it in me to write much. i've been drained of myself mostly backwards into empty space. i don't have opinions or tirades to share, or profound thoughts about any of this, or even much experiential realizations to share. it's just this. here it is. here i am.
maybe more will come later, we'll see. for now, i am only interested in writing while it feels vibrant and authentic, and for some reason this 6:30am post spilled from the fingertips.
enjoy yourself, this life is what it is, and even your quirky human being is just another angle of the One. there is no harm to love there, as you would love anywhere else.
the thing is that it's become clear there isn't anything to say or do around any of this, that any kind of "spiritual" life we hold dear is just more resistance. there's nothing else going on, nowhere else to be. this is it, and the very fact that we're here and awake is..... it.
the first few times i contemplated it, the catch 22 nature of the whole thing made me a bit seasick. wait, i thought.... give up? surrender the fight? drop the search? but then surely i'll never get what i want from the wrhole thing. if i give up, then i'll never arrive. but the lived reality, more and more, has shown - i mean shown repeatedly, through ongoing revelations and awakenings - that this is it, kiddo. your resistance is why you suffer, your argument with this. the awakeness here is awake to itself, it recognizes itself and is in love with the silence and stillness it has found. all that's left is an argument in my mind, and since i don't trust my mind's antics anymore, it's just..... drooping down, running out of hot air.
it's no joke to say we're all already awake. it's not metaphor. it's literal. then comes the argument that says "oh, this isn't it!!" and we believe that thought. spiritual people especially, even those engaged in serious self enquiry who are open to questioning beliefs still find a space to believe that one, to believe that "this isn't it".... and it really touches in with the remaining spiritual identity, the hidden arrogance and resistance there, to even suggest it as a line of questioning.
i find myself quite content right now, and yet out of sorts. the loss of my fight, the loss of the seeker, is a bit confounding. the mind wants to scream that "oh my god if you don't kick up the search again you're never going to find what you're looking for!!!" and yet, i just can't muster the energy. something here knows better. something here is quite thrilled to have tried to go all this way and ended up exactly right here, right where i never could ever have left. i am sort of quiet, a bit introverted about it all. i have no more fire for the whole deep burn. it's just flickered out. there's not a whole whizz shebang about the search, there is no more excitement. i deeply grokk down to the marrow of my bones that i'm already what i am looking for. and while the mind has not gone quiet, and still wants to make up stories and look about, it just doesn't drain too much energy from the system for it's seach. it doesn't roll on for very long.
i don't know what this all means. i don't know much of anything anymore, actually. it's why i can't find it in me to write much. i've been drained of myself mostly backwards into empty space. i don't have opinions or tirades to share, or profound thoughts about any of this, or even much experiential realizations to share. it's just this. here it is. here i am.
maybe more will come later, we'll see. for now, i am only interested in writing while it feels vibrant and authentic, and for some reason this 6:30am post spilled from the fingertips.
enjoy yourself, this life is what it is, and even your quirky human being is just another angle of the One. there is no harm to love there, as you would love anywhere else.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
this is it
we're already awake.
and all the looking in the world only obscures this fact.
like saying to the divine - which is the entirety, the all, the everything, every moment, object, feeling, body - like saying to god, directly.... "no thanks, i don't want what you are. i am going over here toward this better thing that i have in mind."
silly humans.
we're already awake. that means you.
and all the looking in the world only obscures this fact.
like saying to the divine - which is the entirety, the all, the everything, every moment, object, feeling, body - like saying to god, directly.... "no thanks, i don't want what you are. i am going over here toward this better thing that i have in mind."
silly humans.
we're already awake. that means you.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
going on retreat part 2
tomorrow i fly out to california for my retreat. my last post was pretty intense, as per usual in my world these days, i just write off the cuff in the moment whatever i'm feeling. at that moment, apparently, i was pretty sick of the sound of my own voice.
in general, right now, i'm really drawn to silence, and the futility of words is so obvious. it's all a story, of course (thank you b.) and yet, maybe right now, i'm just the kid in the playground who doesn't want to play anymore. i'm too tired to hold it up, and so there's a bit of a downturned lip and hands in pockets, i just wander off on my own.
i've been such a talker, a teller of tales in this lifetime, and for right now.... i'm just grateful beyond belief for the ability to stop all that, and do the alone wandering thing. when i return from retreat i'd like to write a post about the last time i felt the deep inner pull to the lonely silence. it turned out to be one of the most vitally alive times in my entire life. so.... with gratitude in hand, and a less bratty post, i say a little farewell.
and i hope for anyone who reads this, that there is a moment or two or ten when the silence captivates you with the dazzling, vibrant emptiness of who you really are.
in general, right now, i'm really drawn to silence, and the futility of words is so obvious. it's all a story, of course (thank you b.) and yet, maybe right now, i'm just the kid in the playground who doesn't want to play anymore. i'm too tired to hold it up, and so there's a bit of a downturned lip and hands in pockets, i just wander off on my own.
i've been such a talker, a teller of tales in this lifetime, and for right now.... i'm just grateful beyond belief for the ability to stop all that, and do the alone wandering thing. when i return from retreat i'd like to write a post about the last time i felt the deep inner pull to the lonely silence. it turned out to be one of the most vitally alive times in my entire life. so.... with gratitude in hand, and a less bratty post, i say a little farewell.
and i hope for anyone who reads this, that there is a moment or two or ten when the silence captivates you with the dazzling, vibrant emptiness of who you really are.
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