tomorrow i fly out to california for my retreat. my last post was pretty intense, as per usual in my world these days, i just write off the cuff in the moment whatever i'm feeling. at that moment, apparently, i was pretty sick of the sound of my own voice.
in general, right now, i'm really drawn to silence, and the futility of words is so obvious. it's all a story, of course (thank you b.) and yet, maybe right now, i'm just the kid in the playground who doesn't want to play anymore. i'm too tired to hold it up, and so there's a bit of a downturned lip and hands in pockets, i just wander off on my own.
i've been such a talker, a teller of tales in this lifetime, and for right now.... i'm just grateful beyond belief for the ability to stop all that, and do the alone wandering thing. when i return from retreat i'd like to write a post about the last time i felt the deep inner pull to the lonely silence. it turned out to be one of the most vitally alive times in my entire life. so.... with gratitude in hand, and a less bratty post, i say a little farewell.
and i hope for anyone who reads this, that there is a moment or two or ten when the silence captivates you with the dazzling, vibrant emptiness of who you really are.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
going on retreat
on sunday i am going to a week long silent retreat.
i'm just sort of at a point when i wish my whole life was a silent retreat.
i'm sick of the sound of my own voice. especially considering the voice speaks up as if it actually knows something, when it's clear as day that i don't know a damn thing.
it's so strange, in this half light, can't go back, no efforts to go elsewhere amount to a hill of beans. just here, just this. just..... this. and still, the mind, constantly saying this isn't enough. and i ignore it, the best i am able. but it's just so goddamn loud.
so shutting up for a while will be nice.
i'm just sort of at a point when i wish my whole life was a silent retreat.
i'm sick of the sound of my own voice. especially considering the voice speaks up as if it actually knows something, when it's clear as day that i don't know a damn thing.
it's so strange, in this half light, can't go back, no efforts to go elsewhere amount to a hill of beans. just here, just this. just..... this. and still, the mind, constantly saying this isn't enough. and i ignore it, the best i am able. but it's just so goddamn loud.
so shutting up for a while will be nice.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
this seeing....
it comes into a phrase...
it's the difference between looking AT and looking FROM....
and although even that description leaves a bit to be desired, it's poetically close to the mark, at least for tonight.
it's the difference between looking AT and looking FROM....
and although even that description leaves a bit to be desired, it's poetically close to the mark, at least for tonight.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
borderland - a return perspective
i haven't posted any thoughts about borderland here in a while, perhaps because it's more or less slipped out of my thinking while other things were being revealed. the whole period of bliss caused by revelation of there really being no self was working through my system, and as i mentioned in yesterday's post - i had to come to extrapolate what it means for the whole world. and as i did, as i saw this void inside of me reach outward and embrace the whole world, i have been pained, i have cringed and cried, i have felt that the last bit of anything that mattered to me was being taken away.
but really, i was curious why exactly that was? why was there such a sense of shock over the world not being real, over the people not being what they seem to be?
talking to a dear friend yesterday helped put some things in perspective.
borderline personality disorder which marked pretty much the first 20 years of my life, as i have mentioned here is a strange condition whereby the person with it doesn't have the ability to put together a solid sense of self. the shifting sands there are marked, and dramatic. and the instability causes the person to suffer from chronic terror based on the feeling of void within, on the feeling that they don't actually exist.
having no real sense of self on which to rely, and never having any context or paradigm by which i could explain to others why i felt so differently than they seemed to, my life was a mass of confusion, each day existing without the benefit of the previous day's knowledge and solidity to help guide the new days. it's hard to even explain all this in words, but without a sense of self that is at least semi-solid, there is nothing from which to hang context and linear growth in time. i lived in the moment because i couldn't do anything else, had no other choices. when people were away from me, it was as if they didn't exist. when no one was looking at me, it was as if i didn't exist. my behaviors were erratic, incredibly selfish, and yet throughout it all i had no language by which to explain to anyone what was going on. i just floated, adrift.
the world was all i really had that made any sense to me. i didn't feel solid, or find any solidity to myself, but the world seemed very solid, and i had no reason to think it wasn't. everyone seemed so different than me, capable of holding together a pattern of behavior and personality in a way i was never capable of. the natural world was a refuge, in all it's solidity and constancy. music, and especially dance, were also a refuge. i was able to use my body very well, because despite what seemed full of flux within, the strength and grace of the limbs were dependable. all things that were seemingly physical around me, all the people of the world, the objects, my own body.... this was where i put my faith in solidity, to shore up against the ongoing terror of the void and flux within.
i have said for a long time, during all my 'self help' years in my late twenties, when i studied astrology and enneagram and such, that i am a very earthy person. i have felt very kin with earth and the solidity there has never been in question. while i've been markedly intuitive (probably the only reason i survived the first decades of my life) i haven't had my reality marked by strange happenings whereby the world grew thin or surreal or anything. i have accepted, in the zen terms, that mountains are mountains, and rivers are rivers.
but lately, as the sense of there being no me here, has been explored more deeply as i mentioned in yesterday's blog entry, the extrapolation of the understanding has left me with no choice but to accept the obvious. the world, and the people in it, are not even remotely as solid as i would have once thought they were. not even close. if there is no me, there is no anyone else, either. and if i accept that i don't know anything for sure, as i have been forced to do dozens of times these last two years, then i have to say that i clearly can't really know anything about the world either.
i remember several times during the last two years, there was this strong yearning to learn what the teachers all meant when they talked about emptiness. the word, the feeling there, held a charge for me intuitively, and several times i tried to squint into the distance and figure out what exactly that term meant. i didn't get it, until i did. and this space now, where the world grows very surreal and thin, where the whole thing seems oddly busy yet very empty.... well, i get it now. and it's entirely not what i thought it would be.
so how this ties together is that right before my experience on christmas, i had been considering the lingering fears i had that if i really let go, surrendered into this truth as it had been exposing itself in this life, that the whole borderline thing could reappear - and i would be some sort of no-self godzilla monster stomping through the landscape just ruining people and destroying lives the way i used to when i was younger. i thought that giving into the reality of no self could mean that the containment level wouldn't operate anymore, and my behaviors would go back to what they had been when i was young - all the terror response causing cruelty, emotional vampirism and inconsistency by the truckload.
i looked deeply there, and by doing so, there became this lovely perspective in my whole life. and i admit, right now, with this new understanding, there is that feeling again, that feeling of things linking up into one whole thing, making sense because in the realm of truth, everything is unified, and infinite.
i see that my belief in the world was the only solidity i had in a life full of flux and chaos. during extended periods of terror, ongoing months and years of extreme fears and psychotic, neurotic chaos, the world's reality was where i put all my faith.
and now, at this point, i have to reconsider that, and am being urged to investigate the questions backwards into a place where the question itself is not answered, but disappears.
i don't get to hold onto the world, and be an empty self amid a world of solids. that's incomplete knowing, a half truth, and leaves me as that which i have called 'half born'. i am not just empty capacity for all things, even though that still remains true. the emptiness has to move outward and embrace the whole world, to be drawn further and further out into infinity - drawn forward by the heart's intuition that all of this is actually One Thing. it doesn't get to be one thing if it remains unaffected by this truth - it will forever be one thing minus me, or rather i will remain here, looking at that out there.
that, right there, touches in too on these shifts in seeing that happen to me all day every day, and the possibility that, as always, they've been happening as a way by which to keep me out of a trance, and allow me to soften all the mental understanding of the world, and to soften into the kind of unknowing that is required for me to allow truth to move more clearly in my life.
so, even though the world, seemingly solid, and the people, seemingly directed by their own inner self, turns out to be a bunch of nonsense, there does not have to be terror. pain, while processing it, sure, but there doesn't have to be suffering around the whole thing. it just is what it is. mystery. more of the i don't know, magnified and expanded outwards in all directions. my letting go doesn't have to mean the kind of terror that i experienced when i was young, or the kind of madness of behavior that evidenced. there is just this, in this moment. and if the world isn't what i thought it was, well, that's just lovely considering i think my mind is a bunch of malarkey anyway.
there was some dark feelings over all of this, right up until yesterday when there was a pop in clarity, and the context of the whole thing made sense. at that point, i can see how easily the mind replaces a full, meaningful world with an empty, meaningless world.... it's all the same, it's somewhere to stand, a reference point, a belief. and therefore, in essence, it's not really true. and the pain abates, and a sense of wonder and curiosity creeps back in.
okay, the world is empty, seems busy and is also not really full of anything at all. wierd!! but wow!! a whole new wonderland of life to explore and be in and of - as the moment arises. nowhere to stand, which can be terrifying to the mind..... but it's a real liberation for the essence here, a kind of a love almost impossible to describe.
but really, i was curious why exactly that was? why was there such a sense of shock over the world not being real, over the people not being what they seem to be?
talking to a dear friend yesterday helped put some things in perspective.
borderline personality disorder which marked pretty much the first 20 years of my life, as i have mentioned here is a strange condition whereby the person with it doesn't have the ability to put together a solid sense of self. the shifting sands there are marked, and dramatic. and the instability causes the person to suffer from chronic terror based on the feeling of void within, on the feeling that they don't actually exist.
having no real sense of self on which to rely, and never having any context or paradigm by which i could explain to others why i felt so differently than they seemed to, my life was a mass of confusion, each day existing without the benefit of the previous day's knowledge and solidity to help guide the new days. it's hard to even explain all this in words, but without a sense of self that is at least semi-solid, there is nothing from which to hang context and linear growth in time. i lived in the moment because i couldn't do anything else, had no other choices. when people were away from me, it was as if they didn't exist. when no one was looking at me, it was as if i didn't exist. my behaviors were erratic, incredibly selfish, and yet throughout it all i had no language by which to explain to anyone what was going on. i just floated, adrift.
the world was all i really had that made any sense to me. i didn't feel solid, or find any solidity to myself, but the world seemed very solid, and i had no reason to think it wasn't. everyone seemed so different than me, capable of holding together a pattern of behavior and personality in a way i was never capable of. the natural world was a refuge, in all it's solidity and constancy. music, and especially dance, were also a refuge. i was able to use my body very well, because despite what seemed full of flux within, the strength and grace of the limbs were dependable. all things that were seemingly physical around me, all the people of the world, the objects, my own body.... this was where i put my faith in solidity, to shore up against the ongoing terror of the void and flux within.
i have said for a long time, during all my 'self help' years in my late twenties, when i studied astrology and enneagram and such, that i am a very earthy person. i have felt very kin with earth and the solidity there has never been in question. while i've been markedly intuitive (probably the only reason i survived the first decades of my life) i haven't had my reality marked by strange happenings whereby the world grew thin or surreal or anything. i have accepted, in the zen terms, that mountains are mountains, and rivers are rivers.
but lately, as the sense of there being no me here, has been explored more deeply as i mentioned in yesterday's blog entry, the extrapolation of the understanding has left me with no choice but to accept the obvious. the world, and the people in it, are not even remotely as solid as i would have once thought they were. not even close. if there is no me, there is no anyone else, either. and if i accept that i don't know anything for sure, as i have been forced to do dozens of times these last two years, then i have to say that i clearly can't really know anything about the world either.
i remember several times during the last two years, there was this strong yearning to learn what the teachers all meant when they talked about emptiness. the word, the feeling there, held a charge for me intuitively, and several times i tried to squint into the distance and figure out what exactly that term meant. i didn't get it, until i did. and this space now, where the world grows very surreal and thin, where the whole thing seems oddly busy yet very empty.... well, i get it now. and it's entirely not what i thought it would be.
so how this ties together is that right before my experience on christmas, i had been considering the lingering fears i had that if i really let go, surrendered into this truth as it had been exposing itself in this life, that the whole borderline thing could reappear - and i would be some sort of no-self godzilla monster stomping through the landscape just ruining people and destroying lives the way i used to when i was younger. i thought that giving into the reality of no self could mean that the containment level wouldn't operate anymore, and my behaviors would go back to what they had been when i was young - all the terror response causing cruelty, emotional vampirism and inconsistency by the truckload.
i looked deeply there, and by doing so, there became this lovely perspective in my whole life. and i admit, right now, with this new understanding, there is that feeling again, that feeling of things linking up into one whole thing, making sense because in the realm of truth, everything is unified, and infinite.
i see that my belief in the world was the only solidity i had in a life full of flux and chaos. during extended periods of terror, ongoing months and years of extreme fears and psychotic, neurotic chaos, the world's reality was where i put all my faith.
and now, at this point, i have to reconsider that, and am being urged to investigate the questions backwards into a place where the question itself is not answered, but disappears.
i don't get to hold onto the world, and be an empty self amid a world of solids. that's incomplete knowing, a half truth, and leaves me as that which i have called 'half born'. i am not just empty capacity for all things, even though that still remains true. the emptiness has to move outward and embrace the whole world, to be drawn further and further out into infinity - drawn forward by the heart's intuition that all of this is actually One Thing. it doesn't get to be one thing if it remains unaffected by this truth - it will forever be one thing minus me, or rather i will remain here, looking at that out there.
that, right there, touches in too on these shifts in seeing that happen to me all day every day, and the possibility that, as always, they've been happening as a way by which to keep me out of a trance, and allow me to soften all the mental understanding of the world, and to soften into the kind of unknowing that is required for me to allow truth to move more clearly in my life.
so, even though the world, seemingly solid, and the people, seemingly directed by their own inner self, turns out to be a bunch of nonsense, there does not have to be terror. pain, while processing it, sure, but there doesn't have to be suffering around the whole thing. it just is what it is. mystery. more of the i don't know, magnified and expanded outwards in all directions. my letting go doesn't have to mean the kind of terror that i experienced when i was young, or the kind of madness of behavior that evidenced. there is just this, in this moment. and if the world isn't what i thought it was, well, that's just lovely considering i think my mind is a bunch of malarkey anyway.
there was some dark feelings over all of this, right up until yesterday when there was a pop in clarity, and the context of the whole thing made sense. at that point, i can see how easily the mind replaces a full, meaningful world with an empty, meaningless world.... it's all the same, it's somewhere to stand, a reference point, a belief. and therefore, in essence, it's not really true. and the pain abates, and a sense of wonder and curiosity creeps back in.
okay, the world is empty, seems busy and is also not really full of anything at all. wierd!! but wow!! a whole new wonderland of life to explore and be in and of - as the moment arises. nowhere to stand, which can be terrifying to the mind..... but it's a real liberation for the essence here, a kind of a love almost impossible to describe.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
the unending collapse of all things....
it's been a little while since i wrote. i didn't know for a while there what to say. i knew something was shifting inside, and without any clarity on what that was, i have walked around in a bit of a numb funk for a couple weeks.
see, i as i mentioned, it's one thing to see that i didn't exist. it's not that much of a shock. i always suspected i was a big gigantic lie. so cutting through "me" wasn't really a huge deal. i mean, it hurt at times, but it was clear that it was for the best, because i knew i'd been an illusion for my whole life.
but then there comes in the whole world, as i've known it to be for my whole life. the world, and the people in it. extrapolating from the revelations of the last two months, the whole thing has shocked me backwards into a deep sadness from which i don't see how i could possibly emerge.
the revelation of no me, as it moves outward into the world, means there is also no one else either. and the revelation of not being able to know anything for sure, means that this world (which we can only ever know through our senses) isn't able to be known either. together, this is the one two blammo punch i could call:
HOLY SHIT NONE OF THIS IS REAL
and i am writing with humor, because i've had a cup of coffee and it's a nice day outside. but when i am not trying to amuse the 3 people who read this blog, i admit, there is a kind of sadness that comes over me that makes me feel quite honestly like i'd rather die than bear it for one more minute.
in addition to the existential sadness about the reality of emptiness, i still deal with these shifts in seeing, which have been going on all day every day for two years. and, you know what? i'm sick to fucking death of them.
i guess for a long time i thought they made me special, or that they were wisdom pulling me home or some ridiculous thing. they may in fact be the truth, meeting up against the lie, who knows for sure. i do know that they're driving me mad and i just don't know how much longer i can put up with this.
with any of this, really.
i'm exhausted. i've been storming these gates for longer than i care to admit. i am a ferocious human being, full of energy and vigor and determination. and there was just never any question that i was going to get what i wanted. until recently. because i just can't fight anymore.
since christmas, since the clarity of no one here became my daily experience, since the battle to see through angela's storyline ended, the entire network of energy that made up the rest of my life has collapsed, repeatedly, not despite my best efforts.... but more because i just don't have any more energy for the efforting.
the revelations have extended outward, to touch and include the whole world, and i can't argue with what i see. i wanted for two years to know what teachers meant when they said emptiness, because although i knew that i didn't know (in regards to angela) there was apparently a lot of leftovers in the knowing department where the rest of the world was concerned. so now, emptiness becomes obvious. and it's sure as hell not what you'd think. it's freaky, eerie, creepy..... a world that seems busy but is actually just barren and void of life. a world where nothing has any reference point, no solidity against each other, empty of qualities and meanings and import in a vast sea of the unknown.
so i am really hurting over here. as the shreds of mind left able to think about these things behold emptiness, they scream and wail and cannot believe it would be possible to live on like this, in this horrorshow of a world, where once there was beauty and light.
i am being removed of all tendrils left of that which matters, murdered backwards into a kind of unknowing from which i cannot possibly hope to emerge.
see, the three unity experiences i've had (christmas, and two others since then) have shown me that there is peace to be had when there is no "me" left to behold that which it dubs "emptiness".... so while this hurts, very very badly, it's not particularly confusing.
it's just exhausting. because the efforting here, the girl who is ambitious, the one who will do, be, become or gain somehow..... she's not done yet. she keeps gasping for air, riddled with bullet holes, standing back up and swinging her sword a few more rounds. and i get so damn tired, i just weep and cry and become numb, staring up at my ceiling. i cannot express in words how totally just OVER this whole spiritual thing that i really am.
i am tired as hell of all the folks i've encountered in the last few months who think they know something. i admit, too, i am jealous of their certainty. because from where i stand, it just aint happening. i think that's why i got involved with silly roleplaying and message board antics..... because the last ditch attempt in me to shore up some kind of knowing, and i hoped that maybe amid a new tactical style of dealing with this (that of the 'ruthless' variety) something could stave off the darkness. turns out, they're as full of shit as anyone else. ever.
which is why the best teachers are the ones who admit that they don't know anything. and i would have laughed at that myself a few years ago..... oh yeah? nothing can be known about this? then what about all the enlightened folk who have stopped asking questions?? well, it's all about the angle. if you're hoping that the truth is going to be known with your mind, and you fill your days with cobbling together theories and expounding ideology and having chat sessions about all this.... well, you're fast asleep at the wheel. and that means me, too - doing my whole "helper" thing with other people.
the truth of existence will never be held in the mind, or in any part of it, conversation, theories, words or any kind of mental structure. it just can't, and won't ever. and i mourn, hard, looking over my shoulders at everyone who thinks they can and do know something. i want to be them. i want my knowing back. (not really, but i admit some part of me that does) because it's comfortable, and it's not lonely. you can spot the people who "know" because they have a whole community and philosophy built up that helps them shore up the thing.
the ones who don't know, are the ones who just slip away into the darkness, alone, without a single friend in the world, without a person anywhere who they understand, or who understands them.
and that is me, these last two weeks. in a world where no one exists, including me, and understanding clearly that none of this is real..... i'm just..... defeated. alone. annihilated in such a way that these pathetic words cannot describe it.
i have nothing left to offer, nothing left to gain, nothing left to effort towards, nothing left to ask.
and although i may keep fighting on, trying out new ways of staving this off, i can't tell a lie. it happened at christmas, and i've been in some form of denial ever since.
i am done. and that's that.
see, i as i mentioned, it's one thing to see that i didn't exist. it's not that much of a shock. i always suspected i was a big gigantic lie. so cutting through "me" wasn't really a huge deal. i mean, it hurt at times, but it was clear that it was for the best, because i knew i'd been an illusion for my whole life.
but then there comes in the whole world, as i've known it to be for my whole life. the world, and the people in it. extrapolating from the revelations of the last two months, the whole thing has shocked me backwards into a deep sadness from which i don't see how i could possibly emerge.
the revelation of no me, as it moves outward into the world, means there is also no one else either. and the revelation of not being able to know anything for sure, means that this world (which we can only ever know through our senses) isn't able to be known either. together, this is the one two blammo punch i could call:
HOLY SHIT NONE OF THIS IS REAL
and i am writing with humor, because i've had a cup of coffee and it's a nice day outside. but when i am not trying to amuse the 3 people who read this blog, i admit, there is a kind of sadness that comes over me that makes me feel quite honestly like i'd rather die than bear it for one more minute.
in addition to the existential sadness about the reality of emptiness, i still deal with these shifts in seeing, which have been going on all day every day for two years. and, you know what? i'm sick to fucking death of them.
i guess for a long time i thought they made me special, or that they were wisdom pulling me home or some ridiculous thing. they may in fact be the truth, meeting up against the lie, who knows for sure. i do know that they're driving me mad and i just don't know how much longer i can put up with this.
with any of this, really.
i'm exhausted. i've been storming these gates for longer than i care to admit. i am a ferocious human being, full of energy and vigor and determination. and there was just never any question that i was going to get what i wanted. until recently. because i just can't fight anymore.
since christmas, since the clarity of no one here became my daily experience, since the battle to see through angela's storyline ended, the entire network of energy that made up the rest of my life has collapsed, repeatedly, not despite my best efforts.... but more because i just don't have any more energy for the efforting.
the revelations have extended outward, to touch and include the whole world, and i can't argue with what i see. i wanted for two years to know what teachers meant when they said emptiness, because although i knew that i didn't know (in regards to angela) there was apparently a lot of leftovers in the knowing department where the rest of the world was concerned. so now, emptiness becomes obvious. and it's sure as hell not what you'd think. it's freaky, eerie, creepy..... a world that seems busy but is actually just barren and void of life. a world where nothing has any reference point, no solidity against each other, empty of qualities and meanings and import in a vast sea of the unknown.
so i am really hurting over here. as the shreds of mind left able to think about these things behold emptiness, they scream and wail and cannot believe it would be possible to live on like this, in this horrorshow of a world, where once there was beauty and light.
i am being removed of all tendrils left of that which matters, murdered backwards into a kind of unknowing from which i cannot possibly hope to emerge.
see, the three unity experiences i've had (christmas, and two others since then) have shown me that there is peace to be had when there is no "me" left to behold that which it dubs "emptiness".... so while this hurts, very very badly, it's not particularly confusing.
it's just exhausting. because the efforting here, the girl who is ambitious, the one who will do, be, become or gain somehow..... she's not done yet. she keeps gasping for air, riddled with bullet holes, standing back up and swinging her sword a few more rounds. and i get so damn tired, i just weep and cry and become numb, staring up at my ceiling. i cannot express in words how totally just OVER this whole spiritual thing that i really am.
i am tired as hell of all the folks i've encountered in the last few months who think they know something. i admit, too, i am jealous of their certainty. because from where i stand, it just aint happening. i think that's why i got involved with silly roleplaying and message board antics..... because the last ditch attempt in me to shore up some kind of knowing, and i hoped that maybe amid a new tactical style of dealing with this (that of the 'ruthless' variety) something could stave off the darkness. turns out, they're as full of shit as anyone else. ever.
which is why the best teachers are the ones who admit that they don't know anything. and i would have laughed at that myself a few years ago..... oh yeah? nothing can be known about this? then what about all the enlightened folk who have stopped asking questions?? well, it's all about the angle. if you're hoping that the truth is going to be known with your mind, and you fill your days with cobbling together theories and expounding ideology and having chat sessions about all this.... well, you're fast asleep at the wheel. and that means me, too - doing my whole "helper" thing with other people.
the truth of existence will never be held in the mind, or in any part of it, conversation, theories, words or any kind of mental structure. it just can't, and won't ever. and i mourn, hard, looking over my shoulders at everyone who thinks they can and do know something. i want to be them. i want my knowing back. (not really, but i admit some part of me that does) because it's comfortable, and it's not lonely. you can spot the people who "know" because they have a whole community and philosophy built up that helps them shore up the thing.
the ones who don't know, are the ones who just slip away into the darkness, alone, without a single friend in the world, without a person anywhere who they understand, or who understands them.
and that is me, these last two weeks. in a world where no one exists, including me, and understanding clearly that none of this is real..... i'm just..... defeated. alone. annihilated in such a way that these pathetic words cannot describe it.
i have nothing left to offer, nothing left to gain, nothing left to effort towards, nothing left to ask.
and although i may keep fighting on, trying out new ways of staving this off, i can't tell a lie. it happened at christmas, and i've been in some form of denial ever since.
i am done. and that's that.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
further
it was one thing for me to work backwards from the storyline of angela - to cut through the identity and see that i wasn't real.
it's another thing entirely to recognize if there really is no me then there is no one else in the whole world behind all the busy-ness and faces and storylines, to recognize that i cannot know anything for sure based upon these simple five senses as my incoming information, and extrapolated from these recognitions - to see that the whole world, as i have taken it to be for my entire 34 years, is not real. not in the slightest. not at all.
none of this is real.
weird.
it's another thing entirely to recognize if there really is no me then there is no one else in the whole world behind all the busy-ness and faces and storylines, to recognize that i cannot know anything for sure based upon these simple five senses as my incoming information, and extrapolated from these recognitions - to see that the whole world, as i have taken it to be for my entire 34 years, is not real. not in the slightest. not at all.
none of this is real.
weird.
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