i keep meaning to write

i really do keep meaning to write here. i keep meaning to have something to say. but i just don't, really, have much to say. at least not about this, at least not right now.

the thing is that it's become clear there isn't anything to say or do around any of this, that any kind of "spiritual" life we hold dear is just more resistance. there's nothing else going on, nowhere else to be. this is it, and the very fact that we're here and awake is..... it.

the first few times i contemplated it, the catch 22 nature of the whole thing made me a bit seasick. wait, i thought.... give up? surrender the fight? drop the search? but then surely i'll never get what i want from the wrhole thing. if i give up, then i'll never arrive. but the lived reality, more and more, has shown - i mean shown repeatedly, through ongoing revelations and awakenings - that this is it, kiddo. your resistance is why you suffer, your argument with this. the awakeness here is awake to itself, it recognizes itself and is in love with the silence and stillness it has found. all that's left is an argument in my mind, and since i don't trust my mind's antics anymore, it's just..... drooping down, running out of hot air.

it's no joke to say we're all already awake. it's not metaphor. it's literal. then comes the argument that says "oh, this isn't it!!" and we believe that thought. spiritual people especially, even those engaged in serious self enquiry who are open to questioning beliefs still find a space to believe that one, to believe that "this isn't it".... and it really touches in with the remaining spiritual identity, the hidden arrogance and resistance there, to even suggest it as a line of questioning.

i find myself quite content right now, and yet out of sorts. the loss of my fight, the loss of the seeker, is a bit confounding. the mind wants to scream that "oh my god if you don't kick up the search again you're never going to find what you're looking for!!!" and yet, i just can't muster the energy. something here knows better. something here is quite thrilled to have tried to go all this way and ended up exactly right here, right where i never could ever have left. i am sort of quiet, a bit introverted about it all. i have no more fire for the whole deep burn. it's just flickered out. there's not a whole whizz shebang about the search, there is no more excitement. i deeply grokk down to the marrow of my bones that i'm already what i am looking for. and while the mind has not gone quiet, and still wants to make up stories and look about, it just doesn't drain too much energy from the system for it's seach. it doesn't roll on for very long.

i don't know what this all means. i don't know much of anything anymore, actually. it's why i can't find it in me to write much. i've been drained of myself mostly backwards into empty space. i don't have opinions or tirades to share, or profound thoughts about any of this, or even much experiential realizations to share. it's just this. here it is. here i am.

maybe more will come later, we'll see. for now, i am only interested in writing while it feels vibrant and authentic, and for some reason this 6:30am post spilled from the fingertips.

enjoy yourself, this life is what it is, and even your quirky human being is just another angle of the One. there is no harm to love there, as you would love anywhere else.