and how it's a complete lie. haha.
in my life this week a situation came up where something i thought i wanted was presented as probably not going to happen. and for about an hour after that discussion, there was this sick sort of feeling in my stomach. i watched the energy from will, which seems to live at my gut/solar plexus, try really hard to rise up through my body and into my head. the other three times this "will versus reality" has come up since christmas, it got much further than it did this time. the energy this time couldn't quite muster the strength to rise up into my head, where it would connect with the energy of thinking and then torment me for the next however many hours until the clicking stopped. watching it, i was amazed. it was totally amazing.
i was literally sick with want. literally. sick to my stomach, wanting something. and at the same time, watching it, knowing that this right here, this exact experience, is the way life teaches the lesson of surrender.
just as an aside - i've been writing the word 'surrender' on my left hand for just about two years now. so. it's clear i always knew it would come to this.
the bodymind here has always been the "strong woman" archetype. and in this situation i speak of, the other parties involved could easily be pushed around to give me what "i" want. it could even be done in such a graceful, high-level passive aggressive style with all the trimmings of "for your own good" type energy that the whole thing would make you gag on your organic evaporated cane juice (sugar, for the non-spiritual grocery shoppers out there. haha!). anyway. it was clear that the situation was absolutely ripe with the sensation of "choice" - as if personally designed with an exceptional eye for detail just for me.
i am not going to say i rose up like some pristine angel and conquered the demons with some spledid grace. i didn't. i whined a bit, and consulted my best friend via telephone. i told myself stories while i was alone in my room. but i laughed pretty deeply during the whole thing because it was clear how ridiculous the it was. it was like, i managed to turn on the car, but having already removed the wheels, i just sort of sat inside and listened to the radio for a while. no movement, and a decent soundtrack. all in all, not a bad day.
the whole incident put me in the mind of the life i lived during 2004 and 2005, right after i gave away everything i owned on new years day and began roaming about the country, hitchhiking and living out of a backpack. those days were phenomenal in the kind of surrender that was called for. the difference between then and now is that at that time, i was able to get the good time vibes into my ego by thinking i was the one doing the surrender. i was able to begin building a spiritual ego, that of a renunciate, and to feel subtly proud of my accomplishments for having given oh so very much of my preciousness into god's grace. i tease myself, typing this, because the whole time was a great teacher, and very moving to the soul, but the revelation at that time was although i'd been removed of huge chunks of self in order to be able to take that journey - i wasn't backed up enough to see that the surrender was moving toward being free from the One Who Surrenders.
that, well, that is what i am being dared to explore today.
the numerous ways in which i am absolutely pointless are too many to mention. there is only this. what i think about it, how i react to it, doesn't matter in the slightest. the feeling of choice presents itself just at the moment when i say clearly and strongly how there is no choice.the paradox of life being that moment of choosing not to choose. it's all very strange.
my will is just... well, it's bull. going in that direction doesn't make me happy, because i have no more faith in myself. i don't exist. there is only this ghost now, the machine on autopilot, the halfway house where the awareness knows itself - is self realized - but the mind still goes on and on and on, fueled by the gasoline of will, the one lingering belief - that there is a do-er here and i have some say in the matter.
if it wasn't so fucking gorgeous, i'd cry myself to sleep.
amen.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Saturday, February 5, 2011
what is this no-self thing? what's going on here?
another thing that has come up on the radar recently is this debate about there being no self. i've talked about it a bit before, but since i've been attending a few satsangs, participating in an online forum, and writing here on my blog - it seems like this issue comes up more and more all the time. maybe that's because it's one of the few things i have a lived experience with, although i can't say i have any answers, opinions or knowledge, per se. but since i do seem to have some kind of feelings about the certainty of opinions i find around me.... maybe i am being challenged to say what i feel about this stuff.
admitting i don't really know anything is always a good place to start. i have no sure beliefs about any of this. but i am going to describe my lived experience as well as i can about this subject, and where it has resolved into, and see if that helps me make any sense of the issue - or teaches me what i may have to say on the subject.
so along our way to truth, we discover that we don't have a self. we are told that we're not who we think we are, in whatever way that comes up. we are told we're not separate and there is no little "me" inside here directing things.
when i first heard it, i knew it was true. i didn't want to investigate much further for quite some time, because i knew somewhere deep inside the price of the whole thing. so i went about my business for two and a half years, until i was really ready to begin the investigation. when it started rolling, it wasn't hard to see. it's not hard to see at all, intellectually, that there is no "you" or no "me" or no "self".... basically, that there is no little being called angela. however, that doesn't do a damn thing about the storyline called "angela's life"
after the simple intellectual understanding of there not being a me, i spent two years in an insane bloody battle, a massive deconstruction, as the reality of no-self spread across my life. if i wasn't a me, if i wasn't a separate being, then all the identities, thoughts, feelings, and storylines were obviously false also. they weren't me either. so they had to be chopped away.
to be fair, it would have been really simple to just sit on the intellectual understanding of there being no-self, and use that belief as a replacement in some kind of ego land for the self i had been before. i felt it, summoning me somehow, trying to draw me in. the nihilism was right there, so ripe and tempting. it would have allowed me access to whatever i wanted to do in life, license to behave however i wanted to behave, because the sense of power was so great, and the meaninglessness so apparent.
the grace of my life was a sort of love/integrity combo. the integrity part wouldn't let me lie to myself - to stop at the intellectual understanding of no-self and call it a day. the love part knew that if i was going around in the world acting like a yahoo asshole then i was no different than all the little deluded egos in the world i claimed to be above. i just knew, deep down, there was something more.
so i spent two years in a kind of hysterical frenzy, hacking away at everything that came up on the radar, removing myself backwards from everything i thought i was. first, the ugly parts went. and they went easily. but then, all the good stuff had to go too. all my favorite parts, my best storylines, my most heartfelt and beloved identities.
and then, and only then, after two years of that - did i finally back up, or pop out, of my life in such a way that the intellectual knowing of no self turn into a lived experience, every day, of there being no me.
the difference is vast, and almost impossible to put into words.
but in my life now, for whatever reason, i am surrounded by various kinds and groups and types of people, most of them set upon this truth path in what seems to be the safest way possible. it seems almost like the most glaringly obvious red flag around - to hear people pounding away on their opinions about this stuff, about what's real, what's actually happening here. it seems obvious they have bought into something, somewhere, and they've sat down...... knowing.
and i get really confused hearing them speak, because my experience with truth taught me one thing, really. one main thing. that i can't know anything for sure. it taught me, while i kicked and screamed and cried, and it didn't have one iota of sympathy. as my life burned down around me, i knew less and less with any certainty, until one day i was removed of all my knowing whatsoever.
and i was removed of my knowing because the thing that knew was the self. so, i can't really argue with any of them, not only because i am clearly disinterested and bored at the whole prospect.... but because i don't hold this lived experience of there being no me as an opinion or a belief or a philosophy. it just sort of "is".... in a way that isn't, quite. haha. ;)
the whole world of advita, nonduality, noself, satsang discussions.... it's kind of disgusting in a lot of ways. it's totally gorgeous, also, especially when there is a fully clear and lucid teacher, who has practice with a blade and can behead you in a way that leaves you smiling. that's what adyashanti did for me.
but the actual work, the honesty and integrity which is required to remain open to not-knowing, well... i just don't see too much of that roaming around. i see people acting like parrots, quoting things they heard from other people, or people just plain stuck on a loop without the humor and integrity to question it anymore. yes, the lived experience is that there isn't a self. but standing here, without one, i can't fathom for a minute how anyone could turn this vast, unending emptiness of mystery into a philosophy. really. how is it done?
my only thoughts on it are that to be capable of doing it, there must be a neo advitic no-self self fully installed and delusional. without a self, truly removed of it, or woken up out of it or whatever..... leaves not one single bit of solid ground upon which to stand and say "i know something." the teachers who speak from this empty space, and who are genuine, are deep down into paradox, and will contradict themselves all the time. they are aware nothing they could possibly say about it is true, and will tell you as much, with great humility.
it seems like the first buzzer should sound if you ever think you know anything, about any of this subject matter. if you're not in a place where you're openly questioning whatever pops up on the radar, saying, hey wait... that thing i think i know, do i really know that for sure? if the depth of the mystery doesn't seem integral in every moment, then maybe a bell should ring inside that says hey wait.... what am i looking through here? seems like a viewpoint, a stance, a belief. and aren't those what makes up the contours of a false self? hmm....
self or no self.... many people who get involved in this subject are people who care about the world at large. not all, but most of them, care a great deal. they see suffering and can't understand it, want to address it, want to find meaning, or find a way out of it. and i get that. my heart burns there too.
but in my lived experience, the world doesn't need more knowing, weather what you know is stuff about activism in egoland, or advita nonduality stuff about no self. it doesn't need the separation caused by walls and boundaries that spring up when you know something. in no particular sense does it "need" anything..... but in my own opinion, a little honesty and curiosity, and a big grateful heaping of dedicated integrity wouldn't hurt one bit.
admitting i don't really know anything is always a good place to start. i have no sure beliefs about any of this. but i am going to describe my lived experience as well as i can about this subject, and where it has resolved into, and see if that helps me make any sense of the issue - or teaches me what i may have to say on the subject.
so along our way to truth, we discover that we don't have a self. we are told that we're not who we think we are, in whatever way that comes up. we are told we're not separate and there is no little "me" inside here directing things.
when i first heard it, i knew it was true. i didn't want to investigate much further for quite some time, because i knew somewhere deep inside the price of the whole thing. so i went about my business for two and a half years, until i was really ready to begin the investigation. when it started rolling, it wasn't hard to see. it's not hard to see at all, intellectually, that there is no "you" or no "me" or no "self".... basically, that there is no little being called angela. however, that doesn't do a damn thing about the storyline called "angela's life"
after the simple intellectual understanding of there not being a me, i spent two years in an insane bloody battle, a massive deconstruction, as the reality of no-self spread across my life. if i wasn't a me, if i wasn't a separate being, then all the identities, thoughts, feelings, and storylines were obviously false also. they weren't me either. so they had to be chopped away.
to be fair, it would have been really simple to just sit on the intellectual understanding of there being no-self, and use that belief as a replacement in some kind of ego land for the self i had been before. i felt it, summoning me somehow, trying to draw me in. the nihilism was right there, so ripe and tempting. it would have allowed me access to whatever i wanted to do in life, license to behave however i wanted to behave, because the sense of power was so great, and the meaninglessness so apparent.
the grace of my life was a sort of love/integrity combo. the integrity part wouldn't let me lie to myself - to stop at the intellectual understanding of no-self and call it a day. the love part knew that if i was going around in the world acting like a yahoo asshole then i was no different than all the little deluded egos in the world i claimed to be above. i just knew, deep down, there was something more.
so i spent two years in a kind of hysterical frenzy, hacking away at everything that came up on the radar, removing myself backwards from everything i thought i was. first, the ugly parts went. and they went easily. but then, all the good stuff had to go too. all my favorite parts, my best storylines, my most heartfelt and beloved identities.
and then, and only then, after two years of that - did i finally back up, or pop out, of my life in such a way that the intellectual knowing of no self turn into a lived experience, every day, of there being no me.
the difference is vast, and almost impossible to put into words.
but in my life now, for whatever reason, i am surrounded by various kinds and groups and types of people, most of them set upon this truth path in what seems to be the safest way possible. it seems almost like the most glaringly obvious red flag around - to hear people pounding away on their opinions about this stuff, about what's real, what's actually happening here. it seems obvious they have bought into something, somewhere, and they've sat down...... knowing.
and i get really confused hearing them speak, because my experience with truth taught me one thing, really. one main thing. that i can't know anything for sure. it taught me, while i kicked and screamed and cried, and it didn't have one iota of sympathy. as my life burned down around me, i knew less and less with any certainty, until one day i was removed of all my knowing whatsoever.
and i was removed of my knowing because the thing that knew was the self. so, i can't really argue with any of them, not only because i am clearly disinterested and bored at the whole prospect.... but because i don't hold this lived experience of there being no me as an opinion or a belief or a philosophy. it just sort of "is".... in a way that isn't, quite. haha. ;)
the whole world of advita, nonduality, noself, satsang discussions.... it's kind of disgusting in a lot of ways. it's totally gorgeous, also, especially when there is a fully clear and lucid teacher, who has practice with a blade and can behead you in a way that leaves you smiling. that's what adyashanti did for me.
but the actual work, the honesty and integrity which is required to remain open to not-knowing, well... i just don't see too much of that roaming around. i see people acting like parrots, quoting things they heard from other people, or people just plain stuck on a loop without the humor and integrity to question it anymore. yes, the lived experience is that there isn't a self. but standing here, without one, i can't fathom for a minute how anyone could turn this vast, unending emptiness of mystery into a philosophy. really. how is it done?
my only thoughts on it are that to be capable of doing it, there must be a neo advitic no-self self fully installed and delusional. without a self, truly removed of it, or woken up out of it or whatever..... leaves not one single bit of solid ground upon which to stand and say "i know something." the teachers who speak from this empty space, and who are genuine, are deep down into paradox, and will contradict themselves all the time. they are aware nothing they could possibly say about it is true, and will tell you as much, with great humility.
it seems like the first buzzer should sound if you ever think you know anything, about any of this subject matter. if you're not in a place where you're openly questioning whatever pops up on the radar, saying, hey wait... that thing i think i know, do i really know that for sure? if the depth of the mystery doesn't seem integral in every moment, then maybe a bell should ring inside that says hey wait.... what am i looking through here? seems like a viewpoint, a stance, a belief. and aren't those what makes up the contours of a false self? hmm....
self or no self.... many people who get involved in this subject are people who care about the world at large. not all, but most of them, care a great deal. they see suffering and can't understand it, want to address it, want to find meaning, or find a way out of it. and i get that. my heart burns there too.
but in my lived experience, the world doesn't need more knowing, weather what you know is stuff about activism in egoland, or advita nonduality stuff about no self. it doesn't need the separation caused by walls and boundaries that spring up when you know something. in no particular sense does it "need" anything..... but in my own opinion, a little honesty and curiosity, and a big grateful heaping of dedicated integrity wouldn't hurt one bit.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
the reality of not knowing
this morsel has popped up on the radar in about half a dozen different ways this week, and so i guess it's time to write about it. although, to be fair, it's pretty damn silly to write a blog post (using words, which construe some kind of knowing) to essentially say, hey folks, i don't know anything!
but i have a great sense of humor, so i am going to give it a go anyway.
the way awakening rolled in my life is that after a moment of absolute unity, every single moment from then on became about deconstruction and demolition. i knew that what i thought i was, was just some kind of sick fascination, and it wasn't essentially true. the process was built upon a lot of duality - having a sort of seething hatred for what i knew i wasn't, or those storylines and identities that were clearly false. i knew, as i mentioned in previous blog posts, that i knew there had to be something more than the strange, wacko world i found myself in, a world that never made much sense at all. the process was brutal, and messy, and cruel, and violent.
early on, sometime in the first few months, i was riding home on the bus one day, reading jed mckenna, my jed-i master during that period of time, and i was curious about why the process for the last few weeks had grown so stale, and why i felt so dry in my experience. and it became clear, all of a sudden, that the real price of this whole thing was an absolute surrender into the willingness to not know a single thing. not only wouldn't i know anything at any point in the journey, i just couldn't. and furthermore, the dryness of the past few weeks was because the mind was still trying to know, and the effort of that was taking the whole process and stallling it before it ever really got going. it looks so pathetic in type like this - the whole thing hit me like a fucking bomb. like a depth charge in my mind.
i didn't know anything for sure. i didn't, and i couldn't. i wouldn't, not ever, not ever again, if i was honest.
i am not kidding when i say i cried for weeks, yes weeks! every time the phrase floated into my mind that i didn't know, i would get all teared up and turn into a hysterical mess. it hurt so, so bad. all the mind wanted was some stability, someplace to land, to rest, to call home. some certainty. and the truth itself, ripping through my life like wildfire, showed me in no uncertain terms that if i really, really meant what i said about wanting truth - that was the price. everything. every single goddamn thing. all of it.
so i let go, into the mess, into the confusion and hysteria. i could see how much the mind wanted to stop at each insight about what was happening and hoist a flag - and call this My New Truth. but the grace of this life will remain the integrity, and the sincerity that flows through. i couldn't do it because i couldn't lie to myself. i wouldn't, not ever. not over this, this whole process, it was too damn important. it was the only real thing i'd ever known in 30 some odd years. it was everything.
and along the way, during the two years that the truth ripped through my life and gutted me, i didn't really get involved with groups or people or any of that. no community. this was my solo project, and it was the most alone i'd ever been. and it was good for me, because talking to people, every single time i ever tried, i saw how clearly false the entire exchange is. just in my experience, it's more honest to sit quietly with a beer and a pizza, farting into the wind, than to try to have some deep spiritual discussion with another human. (i don't drink. and i don't eat pizza. but still. hahaha.)
now, after what happened on christmas, when the bloody sword dropped from my hand, because i could find no more left of me to gut, all of a sudden the energy is moving back into the world. i am talking with people again, and i am incredibly surprised to find myself doing so. but whatever, i'm not in charge.
and the thing that keeps coming up is the experience that in order to actually have a conversation with anyone, especially in the "spiritual" realm, i am expected to have some kind of thoughts, or opinions on stuff. it's come up over and over this week - people either asking my opinions on things (i live in boulder, where people get spiritual at the checkout line, no kidding) or the online board that i post on occasionally, or the friends i've gotten back in touch with since i came back to town.... everywhere, there is this kind of strange dialogue.
the energy, the movement of this life right now, wants to share the kind of freedom this not knowing has brought to my own life, my own experience. i look at people, and they seem all tight and bound up and stuffed inside of themselves - like they really believe they live behind their eyes. and i am moved. metaphorically, i want to reach in, and unfold the wings of their hearts, and show them that they could always move and fly, and have no boundaries or borders. it's not like i feel i have to, or that it's some grand mission. i just love the look in people's eyes when they're grokking up with truth and freedom. it thrills me. and so the mouth keeps flapping, the hands keep typing. this empty space is trying to express itself, with full knowledge that it can only ever fail. it cannot express what is beyond all expression.
i know with absolute clarity only one thing. i know that i do not know a single thing. and in that knowing, there is some beautiful levity to the life, to the step and the lilt and the gaze and the touch. there is flow. and it feels very, very nice. and it longs to share itself with others who suspect, but are too busy knowing, to unknow themselves back into freedom.
and every time the mind gets involved, either by dissecting some conversation that was had, or trying to figure out some more proper words..... that's just Not It. but how do you share the not knowing because the love of this life demands it - when the very act of sharing seemingly has to express itself through this format of speaking/writing - the very venue of which cuts up the One into duality/the Many in order to express itself?
what a conundrum! anyway. it's fun to try. and i love life and people and all of it enough to keep playing with it. curiosity and questions are the best method i have available right now, just asking things, gently and without hope of an answer..... and praying, someday, someone will look me right in the eye and say:
"yeah, that's an interesting question. i just don't know."
but i have a great sense of humor, so i am going to give it a go anyway.
the way awakening rolled in my life is that after a moment of absolute unity, every single moment from then on became about deconstruction and demolition. i knew that what i thought i was, was just some kind of sick fascination, and it wasn't essentially true. the process was built upon a lot of duality - having a sort of seething hatred for what i knew i wasn't, or those storylines and identities that were clearly false. i knew, as i mentioned in previous blog posts, that i knew there had to be something more than the strange, wacko world i found myself in, a world that never made much sense at all. the process was brutal, and messy, and cruel, and violent.
early on, sometime in the first few months, i was riding home on the bus one day, reading jed mckenna, my jed-i master during that period of time, and i was curious about why the process for the last few weeks had grown so stale, and why i felt so dry in my experience. and it became clear, all of a sudden, that the real price of this whole thing was an absolute surrender into the willingness to not know a single thing. not only wouldn't i know anything at any point in the journey, i just couldn't. and furthermore, the dryness of the past few weeks was because the mind was still trying to know, and the effort of that was taking the whole process and stallling it before it ever really got going. it looks so pathetic in type like this - the whole thing hit me like a fucking bomb. like a depth charge in my mind.
i didn't know anything for sure. i didn't, and i couldn't. i wouldn't, not ever, not ever again, if i was honest.
i am not kidding when i say i cried for weeks, yes weeks! every time the phrase floated into my mind that i didn't know, i would get all teared up and turn into a hysterical mess. it hurt so, so bad. all the mind wanted was some stability, someplace to land, to rest, to call home. some certainty. and the truth itself, ripping through my life like wildfire, showed me in no uncertain terms that if i really, really meant what i said about wanting truth - that was the price. everything. every single goddamn thing. all of it.
so i let go, into the mess, into the confusion and hysteria. i could see how much the mind wanted to stop at each insight about what was happening and hoist a flag - and call this My New Truth. but the grace of this life will remain the integrity, and the sincerity that flows through. i couldn't do it because i couldn't lie to myself. i wouldn't, not ever. not over this, this whole process, it was too damn important. it was the only real thing i'd ever known in 30 some odd years. it was everything.
and along the way, during the two years that the truth ripped through my life and gutted me, i didn't really get involved with groups or people or any of that. no community. this was my solo project, and it was the most alone i'd ever been. and it was good for me, because talking to people, every single time i ever tried, i saw how clearly false the entire exchange is. just in my experience, it's more honest to sit quietly with a beer and a pizza, farting into the wind, than to try to have some deep spiritual discussion with another human. (i don't drink. and i don't eat pizza. but still. hahaha.)
now, after what happened on christmas, when the bloody sword dropped from my hand, because i could find no more left of me to gut, all of a sudden the energy is moving back into the world. i am talking with people again, and i am incredibly surprised to find myself doing so. but whatever, i'm not in charge.
and the thing that keeps coming up is the experience that in order to actually have a conversation with anyone, especially in the "spiritual" realm, i am expected to have some kind of thoughts, or opinions on stuff. it's come up over and over this week - people either asking my opinions on things (i live in boulder, where people get spiritual at the checkout line, no kidding) or the online board that i post on occasionally, or the friends i've gotten back in touch with since i came back to town.... everywhere, there is this kind of strange dialogue.
the energy, the movement of this life right now, wants to share the kind of freedom this not knowing has brought to my own life, my own experience. i look at people, and they seem all tight and bound up and stuffed inside of themselves - like they really believe they live behind their eyes. and i am moved. metaphorically, i want to reach in, and unfold the wings of their hearts, and show them that they could always move and fly, and have no boundaries or borders. it's not like i feel i have to, or that it's some grand mission. i just love the look in people's eyes when they're grokking up with truth and freedom. it thrills me. and so the mouth keeps flapping, the hands keep typing. this empty space is trying to express itself, with full knowledge that it can only ever fail. it cannot express what is beyond all expression.
i know with absolute clarity only one thing. i know that i do not know a single thing. and in that knowing, there is some beautiful levity to the life, to the step and the lilt and the gaze and the touch. there is flow. and it feels very, very nice. and it longs to share itself with others who suspect, but are too busy knowing, to unknow themselves back into freedom.
and every time the mind gets involved, either by dissecting some conversation that was had, or trying to figure out some more proper words..... that's just Not It. but how do you share the not knowing because the love of this life demands it - when the very act of sharing seemingly has to express itself through this format of speaking/writing - the very venue of which cuts up the One into duality/the Many in order to express itself?
what a conundrum! anyway. it's fun to try. and i love life and people and all of it enough to keep playing with it. curiosity and questions are the best method i have available right now, just asking things, gently and without hope of an answer..... and praying, someday, someone will look me right in the eye and say:
"yeah, that's an interesting question. i just don't know."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
what is true
is that no matter how many long paragraphs i write about the unending exploration of choice or no choice, being or doing, seeking or surrender....
the truth is large enough to hold them all. by virtue of being true, the very definition of true, is that it always must be, and never wasn't. therefore, it holds the whole enchilada.
so. i'm going to go dance for a while, and enjoy myself. if i am forced to choose, i want truth even more than i want freedom. and my truth is that while i understand, and clearly see, the dreamlike nature of this life - i love it so goddamn much. and being in it, every inch, every fiber, every movement.... is what i know to be true. here i am - and all the mental chatter is just that.
the edge of surrender is not because of choosing surrender over the fight. it's surrender in and of itself - into whatever the moment brings - weather it is tight or loose or something inbetween. that's truth. that's surrender. that's god. wiser than me by far, and big enough for everything. the not-knowing, the resting in absolute free fall, in absolute mystery, having no way to land on a this or a that, and either/or.... any of it.... the not-knowing that is the grace of this life.
i am blessed to have a life to live, and be able to smile and laugh and love. it's not mine, it never was, none of it. and the rest is..... slowly unfolding..... while i dance, and live, and laugh, and love....
so, today i hope you laugh until your sides hurt, love from endlessness into infinity, dance until you collapse, and don't know a thing.
the truth is large enough to hold them all. by virtue of being true, the very definition of true, is that it always must be, and never wasn't. therefore, it holds the whole enchilada.
so. i'm going to go dance for a while, and enjoy myself. if i am forced to choose, i want truth even more than i want freedom. and my truth is that while i understand, and clearly see, the dreamlike nature of this life - i love it so goddamn much. and being in it, every inch, every fiber, every movement.... is what i know to be true. here i am - and all the mental chatter is just that.
the edge of surrender is not because of choosing surrender over the fight. it's surrender in and of itself - into whatever the moment brings - weather it is tight or loose or something inbetween. that's truth. that's surrender. that's god. wiser than me by far, and big enough for everything. the not-knowing, the resting in absolute free fall, in absolute mystery, having no way to land on a this or a that, and either/or.... any of it.... the not-knowing that is the grace of this life.
i am blessed to have a life to live, and be able to smile and laugh and love. it's not mine, it never was, none of it. and the rest is..... slowly unfolding..... while i dance, and live, and laugh, and love....
so, today i hope you laugh until your sides hurt, love from endlessness into infinity, dance until you collapse, and don't know a thing.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
the belief in "something else"
during this whole process, from the moment that i first got the spiritual itch (or realized i'd had it all along) it seemed like the belief/fuel/fire of "there has to be something else" helped me to cut through the bull and get down to what was real. in a real sword wielding sense, the dissatisfaction was what helped the journey from fully identified mess of a human to the present awareness of what is.
and yet, although every other belief has been seen through, and i see that thoughts and feelings and the whole world arises in awareness..... the belief in "something more" has lingered around.
i remember hearing from certain teachers that at the end, we'd be surprised by how much our own ideas about awakening and spiritual matters would be a prison, and i heard it, but i didn't really get it.
and these last days, finding this vast oscillation between the mind's antics and the heart's beautiful rest, i am holding space for this huge belly laugh about it all.
apparently, the little seeker figure with a bullhorn who wants to beat this epic universal heart into submission is fueled by that one remaining argument with What Is. the belief in "something else".... that there is something else to get, to do, to go toward. that personal will, that sense of do-er that i keep mentioning. believing there is some other freedom, and further, that it has some choice by which to arrive there.
she's cute, doing her thing there. and she's never going to stop. and the price of real freedom is to let go of wanting her to stop. there is nothing else. there never was.
oh, for the grace of god, beating me to a pulp with this surrender....
and yet, although every other belief has been seen through, and i see that thoughts and feelings and the whole world arises in awareness..... the belief in "something more" has lingered around.
i remember hearing from certain teachers that at the end, we'd be surprised by how much our own ideas about awakening and spiritual matters would be a prison, and i heard it, but i didn't really get it.
and these last days, finding this vast oscillation between the mind's antics and the heart's beautiful rest, i am holding space for this huge belly laugh about it all.
apparently, the little seeker figure with a bullhorn who wants to beat this epic universal heart into submission is fueled by that one remaining argument with What Is. the belief in "something else".... that there is something else to get, to do, to go toward. that personal will, that sense of do-er that i keep mentioning. believing there is some other freedom, and further, that it has some choice by which to arrive there.
she's cute, doing her thing there. and she's never going to stop. and the price of real freedom is to let go of wanting her to stop. there is nothing else. there never was.
oh, for the grace of god, beating me to a pulp with this surrender....
and even more surrender....
it's been six weeks now since christmas, and it's so vastly different than before it's hard to express in words. odd, too, because while i am viewing from a different perspective, the life/mind/personality was wired with 34 years of habit behind it. and sitting in a space where i can see mind, but it cannot see me, the mind doesn't know much is really different at all.
the beauty, in my experience, is the profound connection to the grace of the divine, the nearly ecstatic love and worship that i feel flooding through whenever i am still enough to allow it as such. it's funny, for the two years since the shifts in seeing started in earnest, since the major awakening in march of 2009, i rather lost the kind of heartfelt connection i had with the divine. not entirely, as the grace was always the underlying character of everything that was moving. and the trust and faith in the dismantling would not have been possible without the ground of trust and faith in god. they were the same movement. but for about two years, i had to hone the mind somehow, i had to learn inquiry, and learn negation, and learn philosophical thinking - mainly so i could see through all the mental structures, but still, it was a dramatic shift away from the heart-centered life i'd lived up until then.
at the end of it, i surprised myself by telling god i was willing to give up my heart. by november and december of last year, things had grown so stale, so meaningless, so unbelievably empty it was hard to bear. for a little while i got mad at god, but the beauty there was god sort of whispering "i don't care if you're angry, it's just nice to hear from you again" i felt that i'd been removed of everything, everything that i'd ever cared about, and nothing had come along to make any of it make any sense. about three weeks before christmas i'd spent a whole evening screaming and crying at god, mad beyond belief, dismantled beyond repair.... and in the course of it there i'd said those words of surrender that come back to me again and again in this lifetime, and have always been the grace of my existence "Fine! I surrender!! I give up!! I can't do this!!"
in the moment there i knew that i was willing to give everything, absolutely everything, even the relationship, the heart, the soul of my life. to never feel again, to never have anything ever again. i was willing, because i saw clearly that i had no more faith in "me".... my only faith left, my only trust, was that god was wiser than i could ever be. and after some final emotional purging, and a clearly philosophical weekend whereby i investigated the remaining belief in physical objects and a me who was separate from them (experiments in perception, you could say).... christmas came along and i popped backwards out of my life, and knew myself as awareness.
now, it would be lovely if i could report that was the end of the road. but it wasn't, as this blog is a standing testament toward. these are the weeks of..... hrmmm..... ????..... uuuuhhh..... yup.
the weeks of a mind that still tries, and has to be pinned again and again into surrender.
the weeks of a personality that still believes it can "get it" and has to be removed of all power to do so until it relaxes.
the weeks of a habitual efforted seeking that has to be undermined by the reality that i can never reach what it is that i seek, because in fact, i am the only thing standing in the way of its realization.
and again, and again, and again, there is naught but surrender. the bodymind wants to keep seeking, because it realized that this is a sort of halfway house here - this knowing that there is no self, there is only awareness, but also not having the full understanding of unity the way the heart sort of intuits to be true underneath everything else.
and every few days, the seeker tries for a few hours or so, to get a good path built up again. and it's funny because the wisdom of the heart, which guided me for so long, and was never, never doubted at any other point in my life, is experiencing the ways the mind can and will try to doubt. the heart knows, clearly and without failure, that this is heaven. every movement, every morsel, every gorgeous drop of every moment. but the mind, doesn't know. and moves and moves and dances and contracts and doubts and flails about - trying to find what is Only Ever Right Here.
and it's beautiful, and sad, and amazing to witness. and every time i am drawn back to the heart, to the place that whispers to god "oh my beloved, i trust you, i know you know what is best for me, and i give up, again and again, in your true embrace..." i cannot express how grateful i am.
i am grateful god is so wise, and i am so small.
i am grateful that god lets me forget over and over again and yet never forgets me.
i am grateful each time the seeking fails, and i am drawn back to right here, where i never left.
i am grateful for these constant lessons in surrender.
i am grateful that in the end of all things, it is this heart, this true heart, that was always the only real thing, remains the only real thing.
right now, i am mostly grateful that by the willingness to give up claim on the heart, i discovered it was never mine to begin with, and in that grace, it has grown outside the scope of things, and space, and time, and yet still intimately loves every single breath of every single atom now and until infinity.
so, this halfway house, where i am being removed of my seeker, is strange. because the mind, built up over two years, in order to help see through beliefs, has become strong in that time, and wants to negate to such an infinite degree, that it wants to negate this heart, this grace, and this inner wisdom, because to do so keeps the mind fed and active. and the illusion of choice, or a do-er at all, keeps the life in a tail chasing high speed run. i am being relieved of my seeker into the trust and faith in the divine, which i always said i had, and always felt, but i am being drawn into it in such a dramatic way it's hard to even express.
can i surrender my need/desire/thoughts about ultimate freedom? can i accept that this is beyond my control, in any way shape or form? can i let go, and let god, and trust enough that the divine is going to do what it is going to do, as it ever has done, and weather or not full awakening happens here is fully not up to me? at all? do i want this supposed freedom more, or do i want to rest in the cradle of faith that is the only thing that has ever been real - the understanding that i am a dust speck, a nothing special, a nobody, and god loves me enough to do in this life what is best?
how much faith do i really find here, and how much surrender?
well, now. only god can really say.
thank you, and amen, dear, sweet Beloved....
the beauty, in my experience, is the profound connection to the grace of the divine, the nearly ecstatic love and worship that i feel flooding through whenever i am still enough to allow it as such. it's funny, for the two years since the shifts in seeing started in earnest, since the major awakening in march of 2009, i rather lost the kind of heartfelt connection i had with the divine. not entirely, as the grace was always the underlying character of everything that was moving. and the trust and faith in the dismantling would not have been possible without the ground of trust and faith in god. they were the same movement. but for about two years, i had to hone the mind somehow, i had to learn inquiry, and learn negation, and learn philosophical thinking - mainly so i could see through all the mental structures, but still, it was a dramatic shift away from the heart-centered life i'd lived up until then.
at the end of it, i surprised myself by telling god i was willing to give up my heart. by november and december of last year, things had grown so stale, so meaningless, so unbelievably empty it was hard to bear. for a little while i got mad at god, but the beauty there was god sort of whispering "i don't care if you're angry, it's just nice to hear from you again" i felt that i'd been removed of everything, everything that i'd ever cared about, and nothing had come along to make any of it make any sense. about three weeks before christmas i'd spent a whole evening screaming and crying at god, mad beyond belief, dismantled beyond repair.... and in the course of it there i'd said those words of surrender that come back to me again and again in this lifetime, and have always been the grace of my existence "Fine! I surrender!! I give up!! I can't do this!!"
in the moment there i knew that i was willing to give everything, absolutely everything, even the relationship, the heart, the soul of my life. to never feel again, to never have anything ever again. i was willing, because i saw clearly that i had no more faith in "me".... my only faith left, my only trust, was that god was wiser than i could ever be. and after some final emotional purging, and a clearly philosophical weekend whereby i investigated the remaining belief in physical objects and a me who was separate from them (experiments in perception, you could say).... christmas came along and i popped backwards out of my life, and knew myself as awareness.
now, it would be lovely if i could report that was the end of the road. but it wasn't, as this blog is a standing testament toward. these are the weeks of..... hrmmm..... ????..... uuuuhhh..... yup.
the weeks of a mind that still tries, and has to be pinned again and again into surrender.
the weeks of a personality that still believes it can "get it" and has to be removed of all power to do so until it relaxes.
the weeks of a habitual efforted seeking that has to be undermined by the reality that i can never reach what it is that i seek, because in fact, i am the only thing standing in the way of its realization.
and again, and again, and again, there is naught but surrender. the bodymind wants to keep seeking, because it realized that this is a sort of halfway house here - this knowing that there is no self, there is only awareness, but also not having the full understanding of unity the way the heart sort of intuits to be true underneath everything else.
and every few days, the seeker tries for a few hours or so, to get a good path built up again. and it's funny because the wisdom of the heart, which guided me for so long, and was never, never doubted at any other point in my life, is experiencing the ways the mind can and will try to doubt. the heart knows, clearly and without failure, that this is heaven. every movement, every morsel, every gorgeous drop of every moment. but the mind, doesn't know. and moves and moves and dances and contracts and doubts and flails about - trying to find what is Only Ever Right Here.
and it's beautiful, and sad, and amazing to witness. and every time i am drawn back to the heart, to the place that whispers to god "oh my beloved, i trust you, i know you know what is best for me, and i give up, again and again, in your true embrace..." i cannot express how grateful i am.
i am grateful god is so wise, and i am so small.
i am grateful that god lets me forget over and over again and yet never forgets me.
i am grateful each time the seeking fails, and i am drawn back to right here, where i never left.
i am grateful for these constant lessons in surrender.
i am grateful that in the end of all things, it is this heart, this true heart, that was always the only real thing, remains the only real thing.
right now, i am mostly grateful that by the willingness to give up claim on the heart, i discovered it was never mine to begin with, and in that grace, it has grown outside the scope of things, and space, and time, and yet still intimately loves every single breath of every single atom now and until infinity.
so, this halfway house, where i am being removed of my seeker, is strange. because the mind, built up over two years, in order to help see through beliefs, has become strong in that time, and wants to negate to such an infinite degree, that it wants to negate this heart, this grace, and this inner wisdom, because to do so keeps the mind fed and active. and the illusion of choice, or a do-er at all, keeps the life in a tail chasing high speed run. i am being relieved of my seeker into the trust and faith in the divine, which i always said i had, and always felt, but i am being drawn into it in such a dramatic way it's hard to even express.
can i surrender my need/desire/thoughts about ultimate freedom? can i accept that this is beyond my control, in any way shape or form? can i let go, and let god, and trust enough that the divine is going to do what it is going to do, as it ever has done, and weather or not full awakening happens here is fully not up to me? at all? do i want this supposed freedom more, or do i want to rest in the cradle of faith that is the only thing that has ever been real - the understanding that i am a dust speck, a nothing special, a nobody, and god loves me enough to do in this life what is best?
how much faith do i really find here, and how much surrender?
well, now. only god can really say.
thank you, and amen, dear, sweet Beloved....
Friday, January 28, 2011
the freedom of (no) choice
i am thoroughly surprised each time this little morsel pops up on the screen. and then again, i am not surprised at all. it would have to be this way, it just would.
after 34 years of storming the gates of heaven demanding my freedom, right here at the end of all things, the only freedom is in constant surrender to the reality of no choice, and the end of personal will. literally - the *only* freedom. i can try to do it another way, and since christmas the mind has done so, three separate times. and each time i suffered enormously for the several hours that my mind was trying to get it's way, holding up a tiny candle of illusion against the ongoing grandeur of reality itself.
the last instance was built up the same way the others were - something was happening in reality, the truth was living this life in the way it sees fit - and the mind cut in and created a big I Dont Wanna storyline around it, and the suffering i experienced in those moments was incredible, just beyond belief. two days ago the mind created an I Dont Wanna out of a certain situation in my world right now, and from about 6pm until i fell blessedly asleep at 10pm, the mind clicked and clicked and over and over went the inner narrator with the storyline of how things should be different. i even woke up at 4am, hours before i had anywhere to be, and the story kept going.
as an aside, but not really, the recent investigations i've been going through have to do with personal will and choice, the illusion of a do-er. because while the thoughts, feelings, body and world seem to arise in awareness, the illusion of a do-er tries to make itself out to be something other than an arising. it tries to be this ethereal entity called "me" and it tries to live in such a way as to not seem like every other thing in the world as an object inside of awareness. i have had a feeling at the edge it would be this sense of choice, do-er and will that would be the tripping point as the next movements unfold - and i even wrote a note to myself of such inclination and put it up on my wall. (and didn't see it at all two days ago when i was in the middle of the story!!)
so, here i have been, with full knowledge that i am not the do-er of this life, because of the vantage point here as awareness, i watch actions unfold and watch the body go about it's business. and the paradox here, the really tricky stuff - is that it doesn't come down to a question of choice or no choice. that's a duality. it's neither, it's both. the question just doesn't have any validity in the reality of things.
however, in the lived experience, having gone at the world the way i have gone at it in the course of this lifetime, the investigation of a world beyond my will is a powerful lesson indeed. it's mandatory, and an absolute grace from god to have experience that points out clearly that there is no such thing as a personal will anymore.... so there i woke up, 4am, and mind ablaze and clicking and sticky - and i was watching it, certainly, but confused as to why it was so, so captivating, why i was so invested in the storyline. and then long about sunrise it arose like grace in my heart, a simple question:
"what if you had no choice here?"
ie: what if this was just how life was rolling, and you were in it, without any moment of consideration that it could be any different?
and the entire storyline collapsed, and my mind relaxed, and my muscles relaxed, and it was like warm water being poured over my whole body. it was over, and i was free.
see - i had been praying for the last week or so to have some teachings arise in my life so that i could learn about choice and will and the do-er, having realized that those illusions lingering are the very sense of "me" left that pull the awareness out of heaven, as it were, and back into the sense of duality and separation. i needed to see it in action in my own life - mainly because i am really laid back with how life rolls, and don't have much inclination to argue with anything going on. i tend to just roll with life. but having prayed for grace on this, it was beautiful when i saw the whole thing as was it was - another lesson from the universe about how easy it is to suffer, based on any bit of argument with what it.
this, right here, in front of us, around us, in and through us.... this is heaven. this is the divine. this is everything. and every motion of the mind to run away from here, to move away from this grace, to deny and jet off to wonderland in the mind is literally saying to god "you're not good enough. no thanks. i want something else." and the immeasurable pain of leaving this precious reality fuels all the suffering of the entire world.
i was given a massive gift in the hours of suffering, because i got to see yet again that it is that illusion of do-er, the parts that don't believe in surrender, that cause the whole mess.
and the irony is that the freedom here, for me, is found in accepting no choice. every belief in choosing some other way, some other life, is a fresh prison and is torture beyond measure. to be removed from the light of god by lingering in the hallways of the mind is a kind of hell that i can no longer bear.
i am grateful, beyond description, for realizing this.... freedom of no choice. or more rightly, the freedom to choose that which is actually most important, most real - the choice of this moment, god, right here, right now... choosing to let god choose and live this life and the blessed surrender and peace offered by that movement.
i've said it before and i will say it again..... not my will, but THY WILL BE DONE.
after 34 years of storming the gates of heaven demanding my freedom, right here at the end of all things, the only freedom is in constant surrender to the reality of no choice, and the end of personal will. literally - the *only* freedom. i can try to do it another way, and since christmas the mind has done so, three separate times. and each time i suffered enormously for the several hours that my mind was trying to get it's way, holding up a tiny candle of illusion against the ongoing grandeur of reality itself.
the last instance was built up the same way the others were - something was happening in reality, the truth was living this life in the way it sees fit - and the mind cut in and created a big I Dont Wanna storyline around it, and the suffering i experienced in those moments was incredible, just beyond belief. two days ago the mind created an I Dont Wanna out of a certain situation in my world right now, and from about 6pm until i fell blessedly asleep at 10pm, the mind clicked and clicked and over and over went the inner narrator with the storyline of how things should be different. i even woke up at 4am, hours before i had anywhere to be, and the story kept going.
as an aside, but not really, the recent investigations i've been going through have to do with personal will and choice, the illusion of a do-er. because while the thoughts, feelings, body and world seem to arise in awareness, the illusion of a do-er tries to make itself out to be something other than an arising. it tries to be this ethereal entity called "me" and it tries to live in such a way as to not seem like every other thing in the world as an object inside of awareness. i have had a feeling at the edge it would be this sense of choice, do-er and will that would be the tripping point as the next movements unfold - and i even wrote a note to myself of such inclination and put it up on my wall. (and didn't see it at all two days ago when i was in the middle of the story!!)
so, here i have been, with full knowledge that i am not the do-er of this life, because of the vantage point here as awareness, i watch actions unfold and watch the body go about it's business. and the paradox here, the really tricky stuff - is that it doesn't come down to a question of choice or no choice. that's a duality. it's neither, it's both. the question just doesn't have any validity in the reality of things.
however, in the lived experience, having gone at the world the way i have gone at it in the course of this lifetime, the investigation of a world beyond my will is a powerful lesson indeed. it's mandatory, and an absolute grace from god to have experience that points out clearly that there is no such thing as a personal will anymore.... so there i woke up, 4am, and mind ablaze and clicking and sticky - and i was watching it, certainly, but confused as to why it was so, so captivating, why i was so invested in the storyline. and then long about sunrise it arose like grace in my heart, a simple question:
"what if you had no choice here?"
ie: what if this was just how life was rolling, and you were in it, without any moment of consideration that it could be any different?
and the entire storyline collapsed, and my mind relaxed, and my muscles relaxed, and it was like warm water being poured over my whole body. it was over, and i was free.
see - i had been praying for the last week or so to have some teachings arise in my life so that i could learn about choice and will and the do-er, having realized that those illusions lingering are the very sense of "me" left that pull the awareness out of heaven, as it were, and back into the sense of duality and separation. i needed to see it in action in my own life - mainly because i am really laid back with how life rolls, and don't have much inclination to argue with anything going on. i tend to just roll with life. but having prayed for grace on this, it was beautiful when i saw the whole thing as was it was - another lesson from the universe about how easy it is to suffer, based on any bit of argument with what it.
this, right here, in front of us, around us, in and through us.... this is heaven. this is the divine. this is everything. and every motion of the mind to run away from here, to move away from this grace, to deny and jet off to wonderland in the mind is literally saying to god "you're not good enough. no thanks. i want something else." and the immeasurable pain of leaving this precious reality fuels all the suffering of the entire world.
i was given a massive gift in the hours of suffering, because i got to see yet again that it is that illusion of do-er, the parts that don't believe in surrender, that cause the whole mess.
and the irony is that the freedom here, for me, is found in accepting no choice. every belief in choosing some other way, some other life, is a fresh prison and is torture beyond measure. to be removed from the light of god by lingering in the hallways of the mind is a kind of hell that i can no longer bear.
i am grateful, beyond description, for realizing this.... freedom of no choice. or more rightly, the freedom to choose that which is actually most important, most real - the choice of this moment, god, right here, right now... choosing to let god choose and live this life and the blessed surrender and peace offered by that movement.
i've said it before and i will say it again..... not my will, but THY WILL BE DONE.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)