during this whole process, from the moment that i first got the spiritual itch (or realized i'd had it all along) it seemed like the belief/fuel/fire of "there has to be something else" helped me to cut through the bull and get down to what was real. in a real sword wielding sense, the dissatisfaction was what helped the journey from fully identified mess of a human to the present awareness of what is.
and yet, although every other belief has been seen through, and i see that thoughts and feelings and the whole world arises in awareness..... the belief in "something more" has lingered around.
i remember hearing from certain teachers that at the end, we'd be surprised by how much our own ideas about awakening and spiritual matters would be a prison, and i heard it, but i didn't really get it.
and these last days, finding this vast oscillation between the mind's antics and the heart's beautiful rest, i am holding space for this huge belly laugh about it all.
apparently, the little seeker figure with a bullhorn who wants to beat this epic universal heart into submission is fueled by that one remaining argument with What Is. the belief in "something else".... that there is something else to get, to do, to go toward. that personal will, that sense of do-er that i keep mentioning. believing there is some other freedom, and further, that it has some choice by which to arrive there.
she's cute, doing her thing there. and she's never going to stop. and the price of real freedom is to let go of wanting her to stop. there is nothing else. there never was.
oh, for the grace of god, beating me to a pulp with this surrender....
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How wonderful that you aren't yet satisfied completely. Although there is nothing deeper than not being satisfied at this precise moment in time, there is something equally deep--becoming free from either satisfaction or dissatisfaction at whatever moment in time that happens. Yes, something senses that whenever the remaining shreds of Angela no longer remain, a more profound emptiness will prevail. The final end of Angela will probably be realized after the fact, in the most subtle way imaginable. Something will realize that something is missing and that missing something will be......(drum roll here)....Angela. It will be such a joy not having to lug that girl around anymore!
ReplyDeleteA wonderfully profound and poignant emptiness will then extend in all directions. THAT will see some common scene and the body/mind will overflow with love and awe and gratitude. It is the pathos that transfuses suchness. Mundane sights will trigger tears. An old woman waiting for a bus, two young lovers holding hands oblivious to the world, a hawk perched alone on a limb looking across a field, raindrops falling exactly where they must. Who can understand this, and who would want to?
Perfection wrapped in perfection, an undulating visceralness reveling in the joy and preciousness of its infinite being. Indescribable. Yes, by all means don't be satisfied until there is no one to be either satisfied or dissatisfied. Stay with what is real until the unreal vanishes completely.
Meister Eckhart, a fifteenth century Catholic mystic once said, "If I had to choose between God and the truth, I would cling to the truth and let God go." What an amazing statement!