more on no one doing, no one home...

((a note to a friend along the way.... same subject as the last blog entry, but more poetic, and more clear....))

i am confused. and i think my confusion is just another trick of the mind to keep energy going there.

at christmas, i recognized myself as pure awareness, empty, "capacity for all things" or whatever you want to call it. and the mind still goes on. and that's odd. because now, i don't buy into any of it.... because i see that everything arises IN awareness, or AS awareness.... that consciousness is primary, all else is secondary. nothing the mind can do is real, and frankly i can't take it seriously anymore.

but it still does it's dancing. it tries to snag and cling. and so i say to myself - well then, recognition of this awareness is not it. it's like, a halfway point. the "end point" must be when the mind stops doing that dance.

and yet. those thoughts all arise IN awareness. and they're not really accurate.

so. to just simply ignore all that arises from the mind? forevermore? because all sifting around with content is just more of the same, avoiding right here right now in favor of a dream.

is it really true that the mind cannot, and will never again, be a guide for me? the way it was all those years when i was trying to "better myself" by uncovering unconscious motivations, exploring the shadow and all that?

it's been two months now, since christmas, since that recognition. and that time has been spent really looking at the personal will, do-er, chooser myth. the "one who does, chooses, or wills".... and seeing that it's just not possible that there is anyone here who does anything.

and for two years, during those shifts in Seeing that i may have told you about, or at the very least, mentioned on my blog..... the inquiry that i lived was "what is this Seeing".... and christmas answered that question. and lately, the inquiry has turned into "you mean, there's really NO ONE here, doing ANY of this?!?!?!?".... and honestly, much like the thing with the Seeing.... i intuitvely knew the answer, the whole two years that i lived into the question. and this one too. i just get that i grok the answer.

the world is growing a bit weird. thin, somehow. almost eerie. the sense is that all this is going on, but no one is home. i finally think i understand what the teachers meant by an "empty universe"....

the only real confusion is in/of the mind. it tries to figure this stuff out. and it can't. and i know it can't. but it still tries. and i'm beyond the point of trying to "sort out angela's stuff" anymore..... she's really of no concern to me. i guess some fear arises that the leaning into the reality of this means complacency somehow, that it means that i am going to have some kind of free license to act like a jerk. that the experience of this will turn me into some kind of no-self godzilla monster stomping around the landscape with great cruelty because nothing matters.

in some way, and it sounds odd, i know.... but right here, i almost feel like my heart is holding me back somehow. there is this fear of leaving humanity behind forever. like it's not okay to find out what's behind the curtain, because.... well. yeah.

i can't ever go back.

it's all very strange, here, today, in the half light as the sun sets over the mountains to my west.

just some thoughts, reaching out to someone along the way, who probably has no answers, but it's nice to know you're there anyway.

blessings and love,
angela