very curious

one of the most difficult things about waking up to what is really going on is all of the ridiculous mass of information out there about truth, enlightenment, awakening etc. there is no clear picture of what exactly is going on here, and a lot of the teachings even seem to contradict themselves. having twirled around with this subject matter for a couple of years, i am by no means an expert. but i did learn along the way that the best, most lucid teachers won't actually tell you a single thing. they will only ever point you back to your own experience, your own nature, and your own curiosity.
 
and in this, in every way possible, it has been my curiosity which has been the biggest blessing.

i am emptied of self, and watching the world happen. that much is clear. but i also see that by sitting and feeling myself as empty or without self that i am in some way accepting a non-identity kind of identity. and is it actually true - true that what i am is empty? in my heart/gut/intuition combo the answer rings clearly that no, any defining of a self, even one that points to emptiness, isn't entirely correct. it's a paradox to the mind to even talk about, but since i trust my guts more than my brain or my language, its obvious i have to listen. there is clearly no self. but thinking that i am no self still shows evidence of a self. and therefore, more to investigate.

i have said before in this blog and elsewhere that i can see how tricky it gets right up in this space, and i'd wager that this emptiness accounts for all sorts of the half-awake teachers out there peddling enlightenment that doesn't always look very holy or feel free of self. they've emptied themselves into nothing, and finding the freedom and joy and humor in all that, it's time to just get along and peddle the wares. but without being truly free of any identification they will always be in some subtle way sharing a teaching that "knows" instead of the real teaching of unknowing back and back and back until the curiosity kills the cat.

i am grateful to not feel incomplete. i am grateful to not be seeking. i am no longer exhausted, miserable, or in any way positioned at an argument with what is going on. however, there is the sense that if i were to lose my curiosity here, it would be a drastic mistake. the sword is gone from my hand, because i no longer need to hack away at gross manifestations of a separate self. the vision of the other afternoon of absolute unity shows itself as that which is always, always present and couldn't possibly not be present. it is not something to chase, in any way. it is just a matter of being passionately curious about what is already here, what is really going on, and not settling for anything other than the joyful unknowing as a place to call home.