the freedom of (no) choice

i am thoroughly surprised each time this little morsel pops up on the screen. and then again, i am not surprised at all. it would have to be this way, it just would.

after 34 years of storming the gates of heaven demanding my freedom, right here at the end of all things, the only freedom is in constant surrender to the reality of no choice, and the end of personal will. literally - the *only* freedom. i can try to do it another way, and since christmas the mind has done so, three separate times. and each time i suffered enormously for the several hours that my mind was trying to get it's way, holding up a tiny candle of illusion against the ongoing grandeur of reality itself.

the last instance was built up the same way the others were - something was happening in reality, the truth was living this life in the way it sees fit - and the mind cut in and created a big I Dont Wanna storyline around it, and the suffering i experienced in those moments was incredible, just beyond belief. two days ago the mind created an I Dont Wanna out of a certain situation in my world right now, and from about 6pm until i fell blessedly asleep at 10pm, the mind clicked and clicked and over and over went the inner narrator with the storyline of how things should be different. i even woke up at 4am, hours before i had anywhere to be, and the story kept going.

as an aside, but not really, the recent investigations i've been going through have to do with personal will and choice, the illusion of a do-er. because while the thoughts, feelings, body and world seem to arise in awareness, the illusion of a do-er tries to make itself out to be something other than an arising. it tries to be this ethereal entity called "me" and it tries to live in such a way as to not seem like every other thing in the world as an object inside of awareness. i have had a feeling at the edge it would be this sense of choice, do-er and will that would be the tripping point as the next movements unfold - and i even wrote a note to myself of such inclination and put it up on my wall. (and didn't see it at all two days ago when i was in the middle of the story!!)

so, here i have been, with full knowledge that i am not the do-er of this life, because of the vantage point here as awareness, i watch actions unfold and watch the body go about it's business. and the paradox here, the really tricky stuff - is that it doesn't come down to a question of choice or no choice. that's a duality. it's neither, it's both. the question just doesn't have any validity in the reality of things.

however, in the lived experience, having gone at the world the way i have gone at it in the course of this lifetime, the investigation of a world beyond my will is a powerful lesson indeed. it's mandatory, and an absolute grace from god to have experience that points out clearly that there is no such thing as a personal will anymore.... so there i woke up, 4am, and mind ablaze and clicking and sticky - and i was watching it, certainly, but confused as to why it was so, so captivating, why i was so invested in the storyline. and then long about sunrise it arose like grace in my heart, a simple question:

"what if you had no choice here?"

ie: what if this was just how life was rolling, and you were in it, without any moment of consideration that it could be any different?

and the entire storyline collapsed, and my mind relaxed, and my muscles relaxed, and it was like warm water being poured over my whole body. it was over, and i was free.

see - i had been praying for the last week or so to have some teachings arise in my life so that i could learn about choice and will and the do-er, having realized that those illusions lingering are the very sense of "me" left that pull the awareness out of heaven, as it were, and back into the sense of duality and separation. i needed to see it in action in my own life - mainly because i am really laid back with how life rolls, and don't have much inclination to argue with anything going on. i tend to just roll with life. but having prayed for grace on this, it was beautiful when i saw the whole thing as was it was - another lesson from the universe about how easy it is to suffer, based on any bit of argument with what it.

this, right here, in front of us, around us, in and through us.... this is heaven. this is the divine. this is everything. and every motion of the mind to run away from here, to move away from this grace, to deny and jet off to wonderland in the mind is literally saying to god "you're not good enough. no thanks. i want something else." and the immeasurable pain of leaving this precious reality fuels all the suffering of the entire world.

i was given a massive gift in the hours of suffering, because i got to see yet again that it is that illusion of do-er, the parts that don't believe in surrender, that cause the whole mess.

and the irony is that the freedom here, for me, is found in accepting no choice. every belief in choosing some other way, some other life, is a fresh prison and is torture beyond measure. to be removed from the light of god by lingering in the hallways of the mind is a kind of hell that i can no longer bear.

i am grateful, beyond description, for realizing this.... freedom of no choice. or more rightly, the freedom to choose that which is actually most important, most real - the choice of this moment, god, right here, right now... choosing to let god choose and live this life and the blessed surrender and peace offered by that movement.

i've said it before and i will say it again..... not my will, but THY WILL BE DONE.