the unending collapse of all things....

it's been a little while since i wrote. i didn't know for a while there what to say. i knew something was shifting inside, and without any clarity on what that was, i have walked around in a bit of a numb funk for a couple weeks.

see, i as i mentioned, it's one thing to see that i didn't exist. it's not that much of a shock. i always suspected i was a big gigantic lie. so cutting through "me" wasn't really a huge deal. i mean, it hurt at times, but it was clear that it was for the best, because i knew i'd been an illusion for my whole life.

but then there comes in the whole world, as i've known it to be for my whole life. the world, and the people in it. extrapolating from the revelations of the last two months, the whole thing has shocked me backwards into a deep sadness from which i don't see how i could possibly emerge.

the revelation of no me, as it moves outward into the world, means there is also no one else either. and the revelation of not being able to know anything for sure, means that this world (which we can only ever know through our senses) isn't able to be known either. together, this is the one two blammo punch i could call:

HOLY SHIT NONE OF THIS IS REAL

and i am writing with humor, because i've had a cup of coffee and it's a nice day outside. but when i am not trying to amuse the 3 people who read this blog, i admit, there is a kind of sadness that comes over me that makes me feel quite honestly like i'd rather die than bear it for one more minute.

in addition to the existential sadness about the reality of emptiness, i still deal with these shifts in seeing, which have been going on all day every day for two years. and, you know what? i'm sick to fucking death of them.

i guess for a long time i thought they made me special, or that they were wisdom pulling me home or some ridiculous thing. they may in fact be the truth, meeting up against the lie, who knows for sure. i do know that they're driving me mad and i just don't know how much longer i can put up with this.

with any of this, really.

i'm exhausted. i've been storming these gates for longer than i care to admit. i am a ferocious human being, full of energy and vigor and determination. and there was just never any question that i was going to get what i wanted. until recently. because i just can't fight anymore.

since christmas, since the clarity of no one here became my daily experience, since the battle to see through angela's storyline ended, the entire network of energy that made up the rest of my life has collapsed, repeatedly, not despite my best efforts.... but more because i just don't have any more energy for the efforting.

the revelations have extended outward, to touch and include the whole world, and i can't argue with what i see. i wanted for two years to know what teachers meant when they said emptiness, because although i knew that i didn't know (in regards to angela) there was apparently a lot of leftovers in the knowing department where the rest of the world was concerned. so now, emptiness becomes obvious. and it's sure as hell not what you'd think. it's freaky, eerie, creepy..... a world that seems busy but is actually just barren and void of life. a world where nothing has any reference point, no solidity against each other, empty of qualities and meanings and import in a vast sea of the unknown.

so i am really hurting over here. as the shreds of mind left able to think about these things behold emptiness, they scream and wail and cannot believe it would be possible to live on like this, in this horrorshow of a world, where once there was beauty and light.

i am being removed of all tendrils left of that which matters, murdered backwards into a kind of unknowing from which i cannot possibly hope to emerge.

see, the three unity experiences i've had (christmas, and two others since then) have shown me that there is peace to be had when there is no "me" left to behold that which it dubs "emptiness".... so while this hurts, very very badly, it's not particularly confusing.

it's just exhausting. because the efforting here, the girl who is ambitious, the one who will do, be, become or gain somehow..... she's not done yet. she keeps gasping for air, riddled with bullet holes, standing back up and swinging her sword a few more rounds. and i get so damn tired, i just weep and cry and become numb, staring up at my ceiling. i cannot express in words how totally just OVER this whole spiritual thing that i really am.

i am tired as hell of all the folks i've encountered in the last few months who think they know something. i admit, too, i am jealous of their certainty. because from where i stand, it just aint happening. i think that's why i got involved with silly roleplaying and message board antics..... because the last ditch attempt in me to shore up some kind of knowing, and i hoped that maybe amid a new tactical style of dealing with this (that of the 'ruthless' variety) something could stave off the darkness. turns out, they're as full of shit as anyone else. ever.

which is why the best teachers are the ones who admit that they don't know anything. and i would have laughed at that myself a few years ago..... oh yeah? nothing can be known about this? then what about all the enlightened folk who have stopped asking questions?? well, it's all about the angle. if you're hoping that the truth is going to be known with your mind, and you fill your days with cobbling together theories and expounding ideology and having chat sessions about all this.... well, you're fast asleep at the wheel. and that means me, too - doing my whole "helper" thing with other people.

the truth of existence will never be held in the mind, or in any part of it, conversation, theories, words or any kind of mental structure. it just can't, and won't ever. and i mourn, hard, looking over my shoulders at everyone who thinks they can and do know something. i want to be them. i want my knowing back. (not really, but i admit some part of me that does) because it's comfortable, and it's not lonely. you can spot the people who "know" because they have a whole community and philosophy built up that helps them shore up the thing.

the ones who don't know, are the ones who just slip away into the darkness, alone, without a single friend in the world, without a person anywhere who they understand, or who understands them.

and that is me, these last two weeks. in a world where no one exists, including me, and understanding clearly that none of this is real..... i'm just..... defeated. alone. annihilated in such a way that these pathetic words cannot describe it.

i have nothing left to offer, nothing left to gain, nothing left to effort towards, nothing left to ask.

and although i may keep fighting on, trying out new ways of staving this off, i can't tell a lie. it happened at christmas, and i've been in some form of denial ever since.

i am done. and that's that.