the "sickness" of wanting and will

 
my body can't hold untruth in it anymore, at least, not the way it could before. due to programming, it tries, the mind and will try to exert control, and the very attempt makes me suffer. apparently, continued attempts make me sick - literally, sick with weird flu like symptoms - that last until i am forced into a surrender of the whole situation.... at which point the sickness begins to leave the body, almost immediately, as if on cue.

as i've mentioned in the blog, since christmas there's been a couple times where i suffered mentally, due to an argument with reality. the last one, a meditation called "what if you didn't have any choice" arose spontaneously in my life, and was the grace by which i was delivered.

in many incarnations in my life i've been very controlling. not always so much of other people, just very much of my own being, and it always arose with particular ripeness around my living situation. this past week, as i mentioned here in the blog, i had a situation arise that had to do with my living situation. it's a long story, and not very exciting in details, but suffice to say i am not getting what could easily be called "my way" in the situation. and i've been suffering over the situation, quite a bit more than i like to admit. the last week, since the initial meeting (which i blogged about) has been not very pleasant, full of a clicking "storyline" in my mind, and various "planning sessions" whereby i try to figure out a new situation to help soothe my need and my want. all sorts of behaviors that i would have easily navigated during the previous part of my life, certainly before the major awakening in 2009, and likely, up until this christmas.

but i'm just not able to be the person i used to be. she's nowhere to be found. and when i try to engage in her behaviors, to activate her programming, i get sick. i spent much of this week sick with want, and that's the power behind all the storytelling.

so, yesterday i kept thinking to myself that something was going to have to change, and i prayed to god to help me with this. the feeling of falseness in my body, the sense of "my will" which i don't even like anymore, or have any faith in, and disturbs me greatly..... my entire heart/soul/being is really interested in "thy will" and surrender to what is..... and yet the programming pulls me, again and again, drawing attention into something totally false, and right out of heaven, right here, right now... so when i prayed, openly and with much intensity, i was on a walk with my dog. we returned from the walk by 7pm and by 8pm i was in bed, sick and shaking with chills and flu like symptoms.

if you're grossed out by bodily descriptions of things, stop reading now. there are some "too much information" portions in the remainder of today's blog.

so, my body was expelling insane levels of dark brown mucus from my sinuses, and i spent hours shaking and sweating and thinking i was going to vomit. i just shook, and slept a little, and couldn't swallow, and sipped little bits of water, and shook and snotted and shook more and slept some and on and on all night long. when i woke up today at 9am, i called off work, and then lay on my bed with my dog....

the sunshine coming in through my south facing window poured over me and odin, and we lay there in the warmth together, listening to soft piano music, and i remembered Myself.... i remembered myself as That, clearly, and knew that there is nothing but gratitude for everything that Is.....

and the meditation of "what if you had no choice" came back to me, clearly. it was a warm enough day today that i wandered out to the mailbox with bare feet and felt the whole "sickness of will" draining out the bottoms of my feet. shortly after, in another moment of "too much information to put on a blog" i passed something very black, very strange, tar like, out of my body.

i know this isn't really what i would want to read in a blog about surrendering and that which is spiritual.... to read about my flu and my gross body expulsions.... but for me, being so physical, the body has always been the reality and the guide. it has always taught me things when i was mentally unwilling or unable to learn.

and this, this surrender, is what i constantly pray for, pray to be taught lessons about. because although i have an ongoing sight of my True Face.... i also have 34 years of programming and a very strong will there to keep gazing at. and now, since christmas, since that glimpse began in earnest... my entire life, my entire being and body, are being adjusted by the truth. i am being reprogrammed to live out what i know is true.

and when i don't live in harmony with that which i know to be true, i suffer. i suffer hard. and the sickness becomes visible in my body, because that's just how it rolls for me. and i am grateful for that lesson.

grateful for everything, being taken out of my hands, out of my control, out of the illusion of angela having any part to play in any of this.

thy will be done, indeed.