so, there's really NO ONE here doing ANY of this?

for two years, while the Seeing was the sort of first major unfolding away from the illusory identity of angela - there was a question i lived, not one i tried to figure out with my mind, but one i really lived. it was about the Seeing itself, just a sort of "what the heck is this Seeing??" that kept uncurling in me, all day every day. i was so curious about it, like a desperately thirsty person, i just dove into it, all day every day. then, on christmas, i sort of got the answer. not in the form of some thought structure, but in the lived experience that the Seeing is actually pure, empty awareness. it is the primacy, the capacity, into which the whole world unfolds. and it's synonymous with the knowing of "i am"

having seen myself out of any theory, structure, identity or affiliation with angela, there is only this, right now, happening. there is no one here "doing" any of it. at first, it was all free feeling and clear and wonderful and i even had huge bliss rushes and all that.

but then, as the reality of it all sinks in, and the last vestiges of "personal will" are seen through to be complete garbage, things begin to shift. the world takes on a very strange, very eerie kind of feel, and seems to stretch very thin, and become extremely weird. because if there's no me, there's no one else. if there's only awareness, then that's really all that's going on here.

it struck me today as i was out walking with my dog, that we can hear something like 10,000 times, but we just don't get it. until we do. and then, there it is.

so i've been hearing about the whole "no me" thing for over two years now. and intuitively, i always knew it was true. i saw it intellectually right away, but without doing the dismantling whereby the identification with all the angela storylines were seen through, it was all theory. two years of swordplay later, and angela finally lost her hold. on christmas, the "popping out" whereby i recognized myself as pure awareness, as the capacity for life and not a thing itself.

but oddly enough, the conditioning, the habitual movement away from right here, right now, continues. so, i see that this mid-way point, this half born feeling, is just that.... not complete. there remains this odd, tiny sense of a me in there, somehow, pulling attention away from right here, right now, and into a mental fantasy of sorts. that's all a self really is, anyway.... a verb, a movement, a sort of living argument with this and the sense of choice to spin off into mental constructs and other forms of "selfing"

so, for two months now i've been really beyond fascinated by the whole personal will, choice, surrender exploration. it's been the crux of most all of what i have done. and lately, a new question has been born, pushed forth from this sort of extraordinary grokking of what is going on here at the deepest levels.

i walk, talk, look, think or otherwise experience my humanity - and then one of the Seeing moments pops up - and the new question arises "so, there's really NO ONE here doing ANY of this??" and i look around at the world, in this wonder beyond comprehension, this wonder that is so strange, and so stark, that it's almost scary.

personal will or surrender is no longer really an issue. it can't be either, in the grand scheme of things. there is no one to perfect, to being to make more whole or healthy. there is quite literally nothing to do, and no one to do it.

the question, the inquiry and the Seeing moments, the combination of this pull back to Right Here, Right Now, along with the clarity around all the whole world arising in/as awareness..... none of it stops the mental world from trying to erect itself, over and over all day. it's not as loud as it once was, and is much weaker, but it is persistent. and it comes up with all sorts of questions, and curiosities about all of this that it wants to explore. mainly, it is afraid to "believe" that there is really no one here, doing any of this, because well now, isn't that some kind of excuse to go behave badly? and what if i get drunk on that power, and start doing mean things to people?

which brings me to the curiosity around how the whole mental structure plays into awakening in general. there seems to be plenty of teachers who insist that recognition of awareness as the "i am" is equated with enlightenment. that as long as we know we're not the thoughts and feelings that come and go in awareness, then we're essentially awake. i am not so sure that i buy into that. my own experience is that the intuition which has driven this whole thing says "further" whenever i try to settle down on the "i am awareness" train. it doesn't feel complete to me. there's something else going on.

so, the very raw, open ended question of "no one here doing any of this" is a deep curiosity for me right now, and is drawing me into the living experience of it's depths right now. and it's freaky. and sublime.