more on personal will...

and how it's a complete lie. haha.

in my life this week a situation came up where something i thought i wanted was presented as probably not going to happen. and for about an hour after that discussion, there was this sick sort of feeling in my stomach. i watched the energy from will, which seems to live at my gut/solar plexus, try really hard to rise up through my body and into my head. the other three times this "will versus reality" has come up since christmas, it got much further than it did this time. the energy this time couldn't quite muster the strength to rise up into my head, where it would connect with the energy of thinking and then torment me for the next however many hours until the clicking stopped. watching it, i was amazed. it was totally amazing.

i was literally sick with want. literally. sick to my stomach, wanting something. and at the same time, watching it, knowing that this right here, this exact experience, is the way life teaches the lesson of surrender.

just as an aside - i've been writing the word 'surrender' on my left hand for just about two years now. so. it's clear i always knew it would come to this.

the bodymind here has always been the "strong woman" archetype. and in this situation i speak of, the other parties involved could easily be pushed around to give me what "i" want. it could even be done in such a graceful, high-level passive aggressive style with all the trimmings of "for your own good" type energy that the whole thing would make you gag on your organic evaporated cane juice (sugar, for the non-spiritual grocery shoppers out there. haha!). anyway. it was clear that the situation was absolutely ripe with the sensation of "choice" - as if personally designed with an exceptional eye for detail just for me.

i am not going to say i rose up like some pristine angel and conquered the demons with some spledid grace. i didn't. i whined a bit, and consulted my best friend via telephone. i told myself stories while i was alone in my room. but i laughed pretty deeply during the whole thing because it was clear how ridiculous the it was. it was like, i managed to turn on the car, but having already removed the wheels, i just sort of sat inside and listened to the radio for a while. no movement, and a decent soundtrack. all in all, not a bad day.

the whole incident put me in the mind of the life i lived during 2004 and 2005, right after i gave away everything i owned on new years day and began roaming about the country, hitchhiking and living out of a backpack. those days were phenomenal in the kind of surrender that was called for. the difference between then and now is that at that time, i was able to get the good time vibes into my ego by thinking i was the one doing the surrender. i was able to begin building a spiritual ego, that of a renunciate, and to feel subtly proud of my accomplishments for having given oh so very much of my preciousness into god's grace. i tease myself, typing this, because the whole time was a great teacher, and very moving to the soul, but the revelation at that time was although i'd been removed of huge chunks of self in order to be able to take that journey - i wasn't backed up enough to see that the surrender was moving toward being free from the One Who Surrenders.

that, well, that is what i am being dared to explore today.

the numerous ways in which i am absolutely pointless are too many to mention. there is only this. what i think about it, how i react to it, doesn't matter in the slightest. the feeling of choice presents itself just at the moment when i say clearly and strongly how there is no choice.the paradox of life being that moment of choosing not to choose. it's all very strange.

my will is just... well, it's bull. going in that direction doesn't make me happy, because i have no more faith in myself. i don't exist. there is only this ghost now, the machine on autopilot, the halfway house where the awareness knows itself - is self realized - but the mind still goes on and on and on, fueled by the gasoline of will, the one lingering belief - that there is a do-er here and i have some say in the matter.

if it wasn't so fucking gorgeous, i'd cry myself to sleep.

amen.