so. once your identities are gone, where do you relate from? no, really... where do you relate from? if every relationship you built over the last several years was built upon feeding a certain identity, and getting your needs met in that area, then without it, what do you do?
well, you go out for coffee, you act like a spaz, drop your cup on the ground, laugh a lot, physically shake in your guts from the mind's reaction to what it means to really Not Know, and generally let the world flow as it flows.
my last major identity to go was wisdom girl - the spiritualized ego, the girl who was going to Help You Out. now, that is not all there was, because the love is deep and unending and genuine as can be, but wisdom girl co-opted everything and she was A Lover! she was The One Who Loved! and now that i know i am not running the show, and the wisdom girl identity has hit the dust for the falsity it always was.... i am left in each moment without a game plan, unable to know what to do, where to come from, or how to relate.
it comes, of course, naturally as it is wont to do. but without any knowing, without any plan, without any ownership on my part. and that is odd. the body reacts in terror at the unknowing, the guts get tight, the mind tries to formulate a plan, but none arise. and so there is just one moment after the next, in extreme unknowing....
and like all other things, while i am still even one iota stuck in the illusion of personal will, while i have any fight left in me about any of this, any belief that i am the do-er of this life, the moments of tension will continue to arise.
but the love flows, and takes care of itself. it's lovely to know the One Thing that can ever be known, and in that i am finally done with the struggle. but living it, well... living that knowing is a whole other magnitude of expression.
thy will be done.
(thanks meg and kimberly, the first two people i've spent time with this week, for your grace and beauty in the face of my spastic unknowing. you are as beautiful as beauty can be...)
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Your absolutely welcome! And Thank YOU... for being spastic, for sharing your experience, for spilling your coffee cup and having a love story written in your honor. It was so appropriate. Each of us in that setting, utterly being ourselves and connecting throughout anyways.
ReplyDeleteI would like to share my inner sense I have about your post. As you shed the habits of the mind, your identities that made plans, did things, felt in control. Your presence on this earth becomes unique, but no less valuable. When I reflect on human's who embodied the experiences you are having I reach far back into history, into times and places where society honored, cared for, and supported those who moved from an unplanned, intuitive, connected, sacred place. Previous cultures actually created community for those precious individuals, did not expect them to make a living, do every day activities... they honored the unique and unidentifiable path of the mystic, saint, monk, etc. Our world does not know quite how to respond to sacred Knowing these days, and though each of us can See our truth, many of us still believe we cannot function without a game plan, a position, a belief that we know things. I would offer to be patient with yourself, but it feels more true to offer the idea of being patient with the whole world. We are on our way and you are a beacon light.