a note to robert cergol

((i cut and pasted this from an email i wrote earlier today. about two weeks before christmas, things were heating up intensely, and i wrote a note to robert asking for help with understanding the meaningless i found myself trapped in. his reply helped spark, along with a thousand other things, the synchronous timing to have the christmas event-out-of-time. i think this email says things very clearly from where i am today.))

hello robert,


when i wrote the first note to you, i had been in the middle of a very intense culmination or synchronous period. each day, each hour, something new presented, was seen accurately, and fell away. my main issue was struggling with the meaninglessness, which now i recognize as fighting against the death. and also, there was something left in the sense of separation between me and the world that i didn't yet understand. through a series of beautiful intuitive guided moments i discovered a video by greg goode that allowed me to finally bypass the mind's version of what i was seeing, and to really See for myself, from the "ground" of absolute spaciousness and no-thingness... and it answered my question about what the Seeing is. it became clear that the Seeing, the awareness, is, yes, all that remains. it's difficult for me to type it, but the experience is that the Seeing is in fact what i am. as it has rolled this last week over and over again all day it is clear that everything happens *after* the Seeing, and the Seeing contains all the whole world. i find my experience to be capacity for the world, not a thing inside of it.

i had an initial awakening in march of 2009 that very simply showed me, as i was walking past a fountain, that the water, the sound, the listener, the listening, the air, the street and all else was all the same thing, and the mind is the only thing that can (seemingly) divide up what cannot actually be divided. after that, is when the Seeing shifts began in earnest in my days. i know now it was evidencing itself and was the guide as my life as angela was dismantled. it was grace, those reminders, because although i suspected in my guts that the Seeing was the only thing real, there was a lack of real Knowing. and so the shifts happened, all day every day, back and forth, and i was drawn into radical surrender, which apparently i was grateful to do.... up to the point when i felt trapped in utter meaninglessness and the hollowness of it all. that is when i wrote to you, and to several other people, and during those few weeks i had a thousand synchronicities if i had one.

on christmas, the Seeing changed calibur. the video from greg goode allowed me to get over the "block" of the physical world, the sense of objects having inherent existence, and to rather "pop backwards" and see that this Seeing is all there is. i cannot verify objects, i can only verify the Seeing. it lined up with what I had learned a few months before from douglas harding - the only written work that was able to help me make sense of these Seeing shifts that happened all day. so on christmas, in the middle of my gloriously loud and amazing family's party and wine and trivial pursuit and all.... i popped out of my life.

so, this week is very different than any other week, and yet it is exactly the same. i am not surprised that this is what is, and i am more than a little amused by the absolute obviousness of the obvious. i guess i am interested that the mind still is doing what it is doing - and i am even more interested in the writing of yours that i found about your own version of popping backwards and being able to watch robert going about what he did. i find that to be the case here. i am watching angela, and honestly i have to say i've never found her more loveable which seems strange, and she's just doing what she does and her mind goes in all sorts of directions. it's like i can see her but she can't see me, which is very odd indeed. yet, living it, there is so much space, in my body and even the muscles on my face, and deep resonance with the world again, with being a human being. these last two years since the first Seeing, i have been very serious and introverted, i have given up my entire life, i didn't have a whole lot of fun during that time. and now... well, i am going roller skating soon!!

i should like to say that i am confused or have a question about the mind's ongoing chatter, or the mind's attempts at identification or putting the seeker back together and does that mean that i'm not "done"... but honestly, those thoughts come up after this Seeing, they are contained within the Seeing.... and i can't seem to find any way around that obvious fact. also, i guess it's curious that the Knowing part, or the remembering what i am, is not constant throughout the day. i am doing something and i forget anything else, and enjoy my activity, and then when i am done with it, the Seeing remains. and it seems clear that the Seeing was watching the activity, it just wasn't watching the activity and also aware of itself. so that may be another question, but it also tends to get a bit fuzzy when i am *being* myself instead of *thinking about* myself.

it's also fascinating that the things i've read this last week, which are about this subject, are all of a sudden far more clear than they were before. there was this sense of obscurity somehow, like... how does that person writing just Know what they know? as my brain tried to figure it all out. but now, i Know this Seeing, and somehow the writings have a deep heartfelt resonance and beautiful flow and that is quite lovely.

so. reporting from where i am, that is what this letter is for. i don't know how to ask a question from you, because i don't know what questions i have that you could possibly answer, because from here it seems to be more and more subtle into my own experience. spontaneous questions from the inside that have come up for me are about the sense of inside/outside which i know is false, but for now the Seeing feels like i contact it when i "go in" and then bring it "out into" the world. i know that's false, but i have to do the math on that one still. also, the sense of angela is such a profound mystery, because if i'm not running her, wow.... what is?? that's a gorgeous and juicy question. she seems to be just going about her business, mind and all, and i'm watching it happen in absolute wonder. i don't yet feel like i really grokk the reality of how life goes on without a mind involved. i am watching it happen, but i'm like... woah. and so that bears more witness and wonder. and also the sense of being unified with the world escapes me somehow. it feels like a gate, which has swept inward to remove from me all sense of being a thing, and now i am no-thing.... but the gate maybe has to sweep back outwards to include the whole world. but that could just be the mind talking, saying "this can't be it"... i don't know yet. i don't feel separate, at all, i feel in my guts like the capacity for the whole universe is what i really am. but the experience somehow lacks a cohesion. i don't know if that comes or not, and i don't find myself chasing it, i am only curious.

i know this is a long letter. but i don't have a lot of people to talk to this about. i don't really have anyone. i want to come to the eastern coast there and sit with you folk rather badly at this point, because it's just a whole other calibur of stuff than what my friends are talking about. (although i am back in boulder, and surrounded by naropa.buddist.hippie culutre and self improvement and growth oriented psychology and such everywhere..... it doesn't actually seem to be all that useful in this area)

thank you, so much for your time, and your dedication to helping others with this. my prayer is that my life is also used for love in that way, as i find it already is, and remain grateful for every waking moment.

with many blessings,
angela