today there is clarity

yesterday was christmas day, and it was lovely to spend the day with my beautiful, noisy, intelligent, insane family. after everything was cleaned up, and everyone had gone to bed, i sat in my room for a little while, and the bottom dropped out. in a moment that had no beginning or middle or end, that which was always here became aware of itself. i had been threatening my best friend for over a year that when it happened i would text her. so at 1:38am i sent the text saying:

"i am done"

and later, when i turned out all the lights in the house, and sat in sweet glow from the christmas tree, i was overcome with the beautiful, unending Knowing.... and also the gorgeous gratitude as to why christmas nights, alone in the darkness with only the tree lighting up the room, had always been so utterly fascinating to me. i felt as if my entire life had been pulling me into that moment, right there with the tree, tears of gratitude streaming down my face.

i always knew this was going to happen.

for now, this is enough. the struggle is done. i am going to drink my coffee and stare out the window.

thank you, thank you, thank you....